Fashion faux pause

If spring is when a young man's fancy turns to love, summer is the time for wedding guests to worry about what to wear to all those summer weddings they're invited to. Not to fear! We recently attended an outdoor wedding, so we are now experts on what to wear to such an occasion, at least in a Maryland garden in the evening in July. As a bonus, we've thrown in some other etiquette rules. Of course, if the wedding you are attending is indoors, somewhere else in the country, or at a different time of day, there are a different set of rules. And don't ask me what they are.

As women are most often the ones in charge of attire in the household (including of any animals, if present), these guidelines will be addressed to you females. Males, you may choose to print this out and give it to your female counterpart for future use, or you can use it for a placemat.

And here, without further ado, is our Guide to Attending Summer Weddings (Based on Experience!).

1. (This first recommendation is entirely optional, but since we took this step we highly recommend it.) Have your spouse take a summer course in the evenings that will interfere with any weddings you may be invited to. This will ensure that you will have no end of conversation with other guests, because they will constantly ask nosy questions about where your spouse is. Arrange the class time, however, so that your spouse can easily make the reception, which is all he is interested in anyway.

2. Before the wedding, search the Internet for appropriate attire for the type of occasion you will be attending. If their advice does not agree with what you privately want to wear, ignore it. For instance, express disdain for those Web sites suggesting suits for men attending evening garden weddings. What do they know?

3. Wear white sandals. When you arrive, notice that all the other women (except possibly the bride, whose shoes you can't really see anyway) are wearing black sandals, and wonder why they would wear such a dreary color in the middle of the summer. Feel superior to them, until your sister explains, a week after the wedding, that white shoes are generally considered inappropriate for an evening garden wedding in the East.

4. Choose a casual outfit for your husband to wear, believing that "garden" is merely French for "casual." Those French! They are always trying to trip up stupid Americans. Throw in a tie so your spouse can feel superior, too.

5. Immediately notice two things upon your arrival. No one is bearing gifts, except you, and all the men are wearing suits, with jackets. And not sports jackets, either. Suddenly realize that you should have gone with the Maryland interpretation for "garden," which means "the same as a church."

6. Ditch gift in car, reasoning that you can always give it to the couple later when it will be less obtrusive, like on their fifth anniversary.

7. Politely excuse self to a secluded spot to frantically call spouse and tell him to wear suit coat. Emphasize the point that if he comes without it he will not be allowed into the reception, because you will hide his place card.

8. Arrive at your table at the reception to find two seats open. One is directly in front of an overzealous air conditioner, which may, if you are situated just right in front of it, offer other guests a good view of your undergarments. Thoughtfully leave this seat for your spouse, whose only moveable garment will be his suit coat. If he remembers to wear it.

9. Answer more questions about where your spouse is from your table mates.

10. In conversation with others at your table, discover that you attended high school with the brother of one guest. When he asks your name, say it indistinctly to avoid having the brother make any connection between the person you are now -- suave, perfectly etiquetted -- with the gawky, pimply teenager he might have known in high school.

11. Chat amiably with the monk seated next to you until your spouse arrives -- happily, wearing his suit coat -- and asks the monk, who is clearly garbed in a monk's robe (and the only male guest over the age of 4 who is not expected to wear a suit coat), what kind of work he does. Bury yourself in the tablecloth, which is conveniently long for this sort of purpose.

12. Ahead of time, arrange for your spouse to go out of town the following morning, necessitating your both being at the airport at 5 a.m. This will ensure that you will look like duds leaving the reception early, and will prevent you from experiencing the best part of the evening: having cake.

13. Breathe a sigh of relief at escaping without committing any further faux pas (faux pases?). Now that you are an expert at wedding etiquette, confidently look forward to your next wedding: a Jewish-Christian underwater cowboy-and-Indian themed affair!