In an effort to attract new readership -- or possibly just to see if anyone is paying attention -- our daily newspaper has made some exciting changes lately. The most noticeable is that it contains no actual news.
There are pictures -- lots of pictures. There are also headlines, most of which take up an entire page and leave no room for the articles that, historically, have accompanied the headlines. And there are plenty of ads for important news-related things, like wart removal.
But the news itself is apparently all shipped off to a cabin in the mountains of Utah, where it is jealously presided over by a little old man who is convinced that the day will come when the country will once again demand to see, in print, the dangers of wart removal. In the meantime, if readers must read some actual news, they are referred to reporters' blogs ("HURRICANE PATRINA HEADED STRAIGHT FOR...For locations and times, please log on to Timothy J. Scribbler's blog"). Someday even the headlines will be considered unnecessary, and the newspaper will consist entirely of blog listings.
The other noticeable change in the newspaper is that the comics, which used to enjoy a two-page spread, are now reduced to ant size and appear in the footer at the bottom of page 22. It is hard to tell the difference between the strips ("Is that Cathy cleaning out her shoe closet?" "No, I think it's Garfield throwing a toaster at Odie"). Soon the publishers will realize that they could save even more space by printing just the first panel of every strip, with a note to please refer to G. Kapfenschmatt's blog for the rest.
Now here's an idea for the newspaper, if it really wants to attract more readers: Since the comics are consistently the most favorite section of the newspaper (particularly among bloggers named ilovecomics), they should put ALL the news in comic strip format. Bucky and Satchel, for instance, could give us the important developments in the presidential campaign ("Bucky Katt: He will rid America of monkeys"). And the Family Circus could report on the most recent storm system ("Hurricane Dolly is moving through Florida, but it's Tropical Storm Jeffy that really has forecasters worried").
One thing has me perplexed. If there is no actual news in the newspaper anymore, why does it still weigh 29 pounds?
2 comments:
I've been meaning to talk to you about this awful turn of events. As soon as I can get past the ennui, I intend to cancel my subscription to the ad circular now masquerading as a newspaper and order the liberal rag originating in our nation's capitol. There is a special being offered - 26 weeks/7day delivery for $1.50/wk. There is one catch, and it is about something else I wanted to commiserate with you regarding...They no longer carry For Better Or Worse, and even though this strip is starting again from the beginning, I will miss my daily dose of all those guys (I always KNEW that Elizabeth and Anthony should marry...)
Is there a paper somewhere that JUST has comics??
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