I was called upon recently to give testimony in an extremely complex case. Being the sole witness, I was interrogated quite thoroughly. The prosecutor? Joe. The case? Whether or not a noise was actually heard in the middle of the night.
I share with you here a brief transcript of my testimony. The actual trial went on seemingly without end, due to the prosecutor's vast amount of skill and experience at grilling his spouse on the witness stand for the tiniest little things I might happen to mention.
Prosecutor: The witness alleges that she heard a noise in the middle of the night, although there were no other witnesses to this occurrence. Now, please tell us which night this was.
Me: Last night.
Prosecutor: And at what time did this alleged noise occur?
Me: Around 4:00.
Prosecutor: Can you be more specific?
Me: Um, 3:58?
Prosecutor: You don't sound very sure.
Me: I was trying to identify the sound; I was not paying attention to the clock.
Prosecutor: All right, 3:58. And what did this alleged noise sound like?
Me (thinking): Kind of like...ch-ch-ch.
Prosecutor: I see. And was this a rhythmic ch-ch-ch?
Me (screwing up face): No...I don't think so.
Prosecutor: Describe the sound some more.
Me: Well, it sort of sounded like paper...
Prosecutor (pouncing): How did it sound like paper?
Me: How many ways does paper sound?
Prosecutor (bristling): I'll ask the questions, thank you. There are any number of ways paper can sound. Did it sound like paper being crumpled, paper being ripped to shreds, paper being read, paper being dropped from a great height, paper being used with a comb to produce musical notes...?
Me (puzzled): No, I'd say it sounded more like paper rustling...but not really.
Prosecutor: "Not really"?
Me (starting to get impatient): That's the closest thing I can compare it to, but I don't even know for sure that it was paper.
Prosecutor: Okay, let's leave the description of the noise for a minute. How many times did you hear the alleged noise?
Me: About three or four.
Prosecutor: You're not sure?
Me: It was the middle of the night. I don't count very well in the middle of the night.
Prosecutor (sighing): Very well. And was it the same sound each time?
Me (thinking hard): No, it was a little different.
Prosecutor: How was it different?
Me: Uh, I don't know.
Prosecutor: Perhaps ch-ch-ch and then ch-ch-ch-ch?
Me: I don't know!
Prosecutor: Let's move on, then. Where did it seem like this sound was coming from? Outside?
Me: No, it was definitely inside.
Prosecutor: In the wall? An animal in the wall, perhaps?
Me: No, at first it sounded like it was downstairs, but then it sounded closer, like in the hallway...or maybe in the room across the hall...
Prosecutor (clearly shaken): In my library??
Me: Well, there is a lot of paper in that room.
Prosecutor: But you can't be sure.
Me: No, not really.
Prosecutor (somewhat relieved): Let's go back to what it sounded like. You seem to be having difficulty pinpointing that.
Me: Well, there was another sound in the room competing with it.
Prosecutor: Oh?
Me: My husband told me to nudge him when I heard the noise again, but when I tried to listen for it, this other sound kept getting in the way.
Prosecutor: And what sound was that?
Me: My husband, um, sleeping.
Prosecutor (bristling again): Well, clearly that has no bearing on the mysterious noise you heard, so we can strike that from the record. Now, what else can you tell us about the noise?
Me: I've already told you everything...this might not be what it was, but it sounded like...sort of...like something playing with paper.
Prosecutor: Something?
Me: Yeah, like maybe a mouse.
(The courtroom erupts in screams. When they have died down, the interrogation resumes.)
Prosecutor: So you think it was a mouse rustling paper?
Me: I don't know. It might have been.
Prosecutor: And did you get up to investigate the noise?
Me (in disbelief): Of course not. Would you?
Prosecutor: Certainly.
Me (accusingly): Then why didn't you?
Prosecutor (clearing his throat): Clearly we are dealing with a hostile witness here; that can also be stricken from the record. Now, let's review the facts you've given us. Around 3:58 last night, although you can't be sure of the time, you heard a noise, three or four times, although you can't be sure how many, that sounded like paper rustling, although you aren't sure, and that sounded like it was coming from the library, although you aren't sure.
Me: That about sums it up.
Prosecutor: Hmmm. It seems to me that we have little concrete evidence in this case. The witness, being a female, is perhaps somewhat prone to hearing strange noises during the night. Based on her testimony, I do not think we can conclusively say what the noise was, or even say with certainty that there was a -- ow! (sounds of the prosecutor being whapped over the head) Stop that! Ow! Somebody stop her!
This trial was halted due to an unfortunate courtroom injury on the part of the prosecutor. He was unable to continue the trial and may, perhaps, never practice his profession again, although, being a male, he is perhaps somewhat prone to grilling for information, and therefore -- ow! Stop that! Hey! Somebody stop him!
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