All Hail to Tax Day

In honor of the imminent arrival of Tax Day, we shall take a quick peek at the history of the IRS. Of course, in honor of Tax Day we should be doing our taxes, but we prefer to leave that to the Gallant Hero, who insists that we no longer need the services of Chuck the Tax Man, or of Lily the Tax Dog, who so very ably assisted Chuck in his Tax Preparations by barking when a client rang the doorbell, bringing his slippers, nudging him awake at appropriate moments in the tax discussions, etc.

Contrary to popular belief, there was a time when the IRS did not exist. In the early days of the country, the federal government was allowed to request taxes from states, but it was voluntary, so that the process went something like this:

Federal government: We need some money to build more roads. Could you --

States: Ha ha ha! No.

Things went on like this for quite a while, which explains why the car was not invented sooner, as the roads were so bad no one could have driven on them anyway. Finally the federal government realized that this system of asking politely for money wasn't working, and so they invented an ingenious reason for demanding income taxes: the Civil War.

People were of course very rich at this time, because they hadn't been paying income taxes for almost a hundred years, and to handle the collection of all this money -- and chickens, cows, whatever currency people paid in -- the Bureau of Internal Revenue (BIR) was born. It blossomed and swelled and clicked along efficiently until...the war ended.

People pretty much felt that since the war was over, the income tax should be, too, and no one would pay it anymore. In true government fashion of keeping needless agencies, the BIR did not die. It was just quietly outsourced to India for a while.

The government, with its quick intuition, realized that the key to keeping the income tax was keeping war, and so they periodically found another war to get involved in, thus necessitating another tax on income, and when we weren't at war, they made one up. "The country of Hookistan has been invaded. It needs our help!" And the BIR would balloon again.

Astonishingly, the BIR was eventually found engaged in somewhat questionable practices, including using German shepherds to determine tax rates ("Bark once for 15%, twice for 35%"), and the government took swift action to right the wrongs and restore America's faith in tax collection: It changed the BIR's name.

The new name, the Internal Revenue Service, emphasized that the agency acted as a service to citizens, as in "I will now relieve you of all your money, please." It also, as another service, printed the voluminous Guide to Giving All Your Money to the IRS, which resulted in a huge profit for makers of headache remedies.

Also a huge profit for accountants who own small white dogs who like to bark a lot. Lily, we miss you.