Exponential growth

Although Joe and I are grown, we are definitely not yet mature, which helps explain why we are in possession of something called "Grow Your Own Rubber Ducky." In our defense, we were given this item as a gift, for Easter, although I am sure that had we seen it ourselves in the store, it still would have ended up in our possession. We are, after all, also the proud owners of the Action Librarian Figure, which was also a gift, but which we had long coveted for its Realistic Shushing Action.

The duck (referred to as a" grow toy" on the package), made from safe, nontoxic, and completely natural materials -- including ethylene-vinyl acetate copolymer -- is claimed to have the power to expand to 600% its size. Although at its present size, about an inch, the duck is very cute and endearing, we have our doubts about whether this continues to be true at 600%. We feel this way because the package warns that "as it grows, your toy may distort in shape," conjuring up images of some sort of Incredible Hulking Water Fowl. But we are assured that "this is part of the fun," the other part of the fun presumably being the "slimy, icky texture," described as "normal and harmless." I suppose having to seek out professional therapy after being subjected to an Incredible Hulking Water Fowl with a slimy, icky texture could be considered normal and harmless.

Lest consumers unwittingly limit the duck's growth potential, the instructions advise placing it in as large a container as possible. A standard size, above-ground pool should be sufficient, although nowhere on the package does it say the grow toy can be used as a flotation device, so one must use one's own judgment. Of course, one's judgment may be suspect if one is attempting to grow a rubber duck in any size container, but we merely offer this as a caution.

So assuming you possess a pool and a twisted sense of fun, you place the duck in the water and sit back to enjoy the show. Not so fast. The grow toy may take up to 10 days to grow completely. This of course is much slower than the growth rate of animals in the real world, such as puppies, which grow to about 1 bazillion times their size the moment you welcome them into your family.

But the fun is not over even when your duck has expanded to skyscraper heights. When you take it out of the water --- assuming an Incredible Hulking Water Fowl can be coaxed to do something it might not want to do -- it shrinks again. And if you put it back in the water -- you guessed it -- it turns into a fairy princess. NO, of course not. It grows again. The instructions assure us that the toy can be grown again and again, or as often as you have an extra 10 days in which to do nothing but watch it.

So far we have not yet found a sufficient block of time, nor a large enough container, in which to watch our grow toy. But the waiting is all part of the fun.

This blog is on hiatus until next week while the Princess goes to visit her parents, who are attempting to wade through their many possessions in preparation for moving into a smaller castle. For reasons unfathomable to the Princess, they are not interested in keeping her old textbooks that have lain for many a year in their basement, nor her art portfolio from junior year. And so she sallies forth to sift through memories, and attempt to dodge the King and Queen's insistence that she take some of THEIR treasures home with her, which they are sure she wants to have forever and ever, such as a record player that is the size of a small sofa.