Our own Olympic Games

The Olympics inspire us all to greater heights of effort and achievement. Joe and I have certainly doubled our own efforts to stay awake until 11 p.m. to watch the TV highlights from Vancouver. Sadly, we have not always achieved this lofty goal, although we do engage periodically in some good-natured yet fierce jostling for an extra blanket while we're watching.

However, we have also been inspired to participate in our own winter games right here in our town, which have been come about in large part thanks to the 137.986 inches of snow that fell in the last couple of weeks. This week we would like to share some of the events in our Oella Games with you. Today's highlighted event:

The "Every Car Is Off-Road" Event
In this thrilling event, two cars going in opposite directions attempt to be the first to barrel down a narrow strip of land that is reportedly a road, but which more resembles a mountain pass unused since the 8th century. This "road" has steep snowbanks on one side and sheer drop-offs on the other and is marked by a lack of driveways or other areas into which one car can pull over. (If a car does attempt to pull over, officials armed with stout brooms furiously brush the snow in front of the car back and forth to force the car back onto the "road.")

Olympic rules state that at least one of the participating vehicles in the off-road event must be equal in size to the Amazon River Basin, and be driven by a graduate of the Dukes of Hazzard Driving School. Males and females may both compete in this event, although each participant's gender is carefully obscured from his or her opponent due to excessive male complaints that female drivers exhibit haphazard driving even under normal circumstances, and therefore have an advantage in this event.

This event combines the thrills of off-roading with elements of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?, specifically the idea of a lifeline, so that drivers may appeal to bystanders for assistance in how they should maneuver their car to the best advantage. Bystanders may also freely offer such advice even in the absence of driver appeal, and are allowed to use flowing hand gestures to show, for instance, how a driver may maneuver his or her car onto a nearby bush to avoid the other vehicle's head-on onslaught. Bystanders may also aid the motorist in digging his or her vehicle out of a snowbank when their advice fails.

Winners of the "Every Car is Off-Road" get to arrive safely at their own abode and are awarded a full week's supply of groceries in recognition of their driving heroism. Losers...well, most are automatically entered in the "Free Your Car from the Snow" event, which will be discussed next time.