Important tips for buying a car

Buying a new car is a very complex and important process, and should be undertaken with the utmost care and caution. A certain person in our household, who shall remain nameless but is not me, laments that the last time he bought a car we were engaged, and wishing to be a supportive groom he shared in the task of choosing items for the registry, and ended up spending more time researching slow cookers than cars.

To avoid this, here are several tips on what to do and what not to do when looking for a new car. These tips come from car experts, such as anyone who has ever driven a car, so they are as trustworthy as what the car salesman himself will tell you.

1. You must do extensive research on the cars you are interested in before you ever set foot in a dealership to drive one. There are many reasons for this, not the least of which is the "new car smell" factor. According to one car expert, the smell of a new car is a "powerful intoxicant," one that is "not even understood by top medical researchers." Therefore you must be careful, even when you do eventually go to test-drive a vehicle, not to inhale while you are doing so.

2. Similarly, merely seeing a brand-new car can be dangerous. We women, for instance, see a cute car, and something happens inside our nervous system, which begins transmitting signals roughly translating into "Awwwww!" much like it does upon seeing an adorable kitten with large, sad eyes. You men may have a slightly different reaction -- you see a cool car and suddenly, in your mind, you are blasting down the highway in it, miles of city and countryside flying by -- but the point is that what we see inevitably biases us. So looking at the car is also out.

3. Touching a new car, too, can be dangerous, particularly if it has plush leather seats; a padded, heated steering wheel...ahem. You get the idea.

So where does that leave us? Fortunately, there are still two senses available for evaluating a new car.

1. Listen. Although we women are generally good listeners, this does not necessarily extend to cars. If it is not emitting any alarming noises, we're good with it. You men no doubt can glean a lot more from listening to a car's inner workings:. "Ahhh, yes, sounds like the pistons adjoining the rams are perfectly balanced, and there's no friction with the celtics."

2. Taste. Though a somewhat unconventional method, a quick taste of the car can tell you important information, such as "Yup, yup, it's metal all right." If the car is made in China, a quick taste may give you other things, some of which may mean you eventually will not have to worry about buying a car.

You should now be fully equipped, with your two senses, to objectively evaluate a new car. And should you at some point need to evaluate slow cookers, you know who to talk to.