Like State Farm and good neighbors, we are there

Spring is traditionally a time when people start looking for a new house. This is because they begin their spring cleaning, and then suddenly realize that no amount of scrubbing or airing or muscle is going to change certain things about their house, and so they hit upon the bright idea of leaving it all behind and starting over somewhere new, preferably in a house whose owner has had more luck with such things.

The house next door to us is for sale, and we have noticed an increase in showings lately. In what is a totally unrelated coincidence, many, many homes in our row have been for sale or rent during our few years here, and the home on the other side of us is now occupied by the fourth tenants since we have been here. Of course this does not have anything to do with us.

But as neighbors to a house that is for sale, Joe and I feel it our obligation not only to keep our yard tidy but also -- perhaps even more importantly -- to offer commentaries on the prospective buyers. Not to the sellers, of course, although if they ever asked us we would be happy to furnish them with a spreadsheet of all the pros and cons of the various people who have come through their house, and our modest suggestions for proceeding with one of them.

In the absence of this sort of request on the part of the sellers, sometimes it becomes necessary to help encourage, or discourage, certain prospective buyers. This task falls to you, the neighbor, because the seller does not particularly care who buys the house. As long as a buyer has the money, and the credit, feral dogs could move in and the seller would happily turn it over.

But in a house like ours, with adjoining walls that are paper thin, the neighbors are going to be part of your life. You will hear their vacuum cleaner. Their hair dryer. Their stereo and TV. Their toaster popping up. Their breathing. A slightly raised voice when one of them encounters the other one eating the last peanut butter brownie. So you must weed out the ones you do not feel would be compatible. For instance, here are some examples of notes we have created on various prospective buyers visiting the house next to us:

First prospective buyers: Con: Noise created while ascending and descending stairs exceeds the threshold set by the Homeowners' Association Stair Climbing Commission. Pro: None identified.

Second prospective buyers: Pros: Look mature, seem very nice upon "accidental" meeting outside. Con: Own a small dog of the variety that feel it their duty to engage in continual yapping.

Third prospective buyers: Con: Own a truck that is longer than the house. Pro: Own a truck that perhaps we can borrow when we need to get rid of extremely large objects.

As for acting upon these observations, one must of course act with caution and wisdom. With the prospective buyers who clumped loudly on the stairs, we debated opening our back door as they were leaving and, in a nonchalant manner, saying something like "WHAT TIME DID YOU SAY ALL THOSE PEOPLE WERE COMING OVER? GOOD THING WE JUST GOT THE NEW STEREO!"

All in the name of being a good neighbor.