Free the skunks!

Today's post was intended to be about the diligent visits we have been making to the Y to work out, but since we have been there a grand total of two times (if you count running in merely to use the restroom and shower when our bathroom was unusable), and since my personal workout at the Y has thus far consisted of exhausting trips back and forth from various pieces of equipment whose function I know nothing about to the Sanitizer Station, we must look elsewhere for inspiration today.

So we will talk about a little-known yet important environmental hazard, one that is every bit as dangerous as plastic soda pop rings to wildlife: the potential hazards of peanut butter to your local skunk. According to news reports, a skunk in Colorado was observed wandering around a concerned citizen's front yard in an erratic manner. Wildlife officials, after exhaustive analysis, determined that the animal's strange behavior was possibly, though not conclusively, due to the fact that its head was stuck in a peanut butter jar.

Officials tried a number of methods to try to free the skunk, including the Hokey Pokey Method, in which the skunk was coaxed to "put its head in and shake it all about." In this effort several officials attempted to show the skunk exactly how to do the Hokey Pokey, which nearly prompted another concerned neighbor to call for backup help.

In the end, one official -- being careful to remain out of range of the end of the skunk NOT stuck in the peanut butter jar -- tied a noose pole, or choke stick, to the jar and pulled for several minutes, yanking the jar free and throwing it several yards right toward Mrs. Hoskins's front window. Per department regulations, the official has been placed on administrative leave while he is investigated for possible cruelty to peanut butter jars, and whether "unnecessary force" was responsible for the broken window.

Officials have no idea how many skunks, or other animals, are affected by discarded peanut butter jars each year, but they suspect the number "could be in the millions." They were careful not to vilify human eaters of peanut butter, however, saying that "it could just as easily have been a pickle jar" that trapped the skunk, although privately most believe that pickles are not as attractive to skunks as peanut butter.

In other environmental news, those who live in our row of homes recently received an e-mail from a neighbor entitled "LB Row Car Washing," which made us very excited as we envisioned a personal car wash service -- performed by a local troop of eager Brownies, perhaps -- coming to our very doorstep. But it turned out to be a plea from a neighbor to NOT wash our cars in the parking area, because the soap and grease eventually finds its way to the waterways and can harm fish and other aquatic animals. Joe heartily concurs with this suggestion, not so much out of concern for the fish as out of thankfulness for an excuse to not expend his energies upon washing the cars.

Now, if only we could teach skunks to wash the cars. "You put your left hand, and you wash it all about..."