Coming soon to a stoplight near you

When I traded my old car in recently, I braced myself for a difficult separation. After 14 years together, it was hard to imagine being without it. Hard to imagine not having to worry about the locks freezing up in the winter and having to crawl in through the hatch in the back. Or not worrying that the engine would decide it was too cold to start, or that the car would express its opinion that playing a CD when I hit Play was optional. Such good times we had!

I missed the car for maybe three and a half seconds. 

And then immediately embraced my new car, which is red. This caused the Hero to worry that I will get in an accident with it, because some studies show that red cars are involved in accidents more frequently.

"But mine is sort of a brick red," I said, to reassure him. "I'm sure they don't get into as many accidents as really red cars."

The car is actually a 3200-pound puppy, craving attention and always wanting to be on the go -- somewhere, anywhere. It's happy just to go to the library. It is a small SUV, but parked in the midst of several cars in our parking lot, it looks like a 10-pound baby in a preemie nursery. 

I thought it would be kind of unique, having a red car. I was wrong. Seemingly overnight, everyone has a red car. Which makes the Hero worry that there are going to be a lot more accidents soon.

"Maybe red cars get into more accidents because their drivers drive more aggressively," he said. "You are driving more aggressively since you got this car."

"It's a sporty car," I say. "You can't drive a sporty car all prim and proper. I'm driving it in a sporty manner."

For his part, the Hero is enthralled with all the technology in the car, which allows it to do pretty much everything except engage in time travel (that option was too expensive, plus you had to sign a waiver in case of "unforeseen technical difficulties," which sounded pretty ominous). 

Now, I admit that I used to pass rather harsh judgment on drivers who would jack up the bass on their car stereo. You know the ones I mean. You are stopped peacefully at a stoplight, perhaps enjoying the strains of Bach, when suddenly your car, and you, feel as if you have been thrust into a giant washing machine. You hurtle from side to side, courtesy of some booming car next to or behind you.

I noticed, in my new car, that I was on the verge of becoming one of these annoying booming cars. "Silver Bells" on the radio was suddenly "Silver BOOM...Silver BOOM...It's Christmas BOOM time in the city BOOM..." I checked the settings, which showed that the bass was set quite high. 

"Did you turn up the bass on my car?" I demanded of the Hero.

He denied it. "But," he said, "it's a sporty car, and you have to listen to the radio in a sporty manner."

So if you've recently had your jaw knocked out of alignment because of a shaking red car next to you at a stoplight, please accept my apologies. I'll try to be a little more prim and proper.