Instructions for males

Parents eventually reach the place where they must send their children out into the world, armed only with the parents' loving instructions on how to meet the challenges life will throw at them. This generally occurs around age five.

After boys grow up and turn into men, and they have been on their own for some time, many marry, at which point the giving of instructions is resumed by a spouse. These instructions, which have the force of law, may oft confuse a man, who is at a loss to understand, for example, the subtleties of "bachelor furniture" vs. "married furniture."  He knows only that on one, he may do pretty much as he pleases, while on the other, woe unto him if one thread of his wife's pillows is harmed by his carelessness.

An acquaintance, whose husband went off unchaperoned to purchase new glasses, gave him strict instructions as to how he should proceed choosing the frames in her absence. He was to seek the opinion of another individual in the store, according to the following hierarchy:

1. A woman
2. A gay man
3. A nongay bachelor

If none of these individuals was available, as a last resort the husband could seek the opinion of 

4. a married man

BUT in this case he would have to obtain a second, corroborating opinion, which is what he eventually did.

"I'm sorry," he said to the married salesman, "I promised my wife I'd get someone else's opinion, too. Apparently she is somewhat neurotic about glasses." There may have been more discussion between them about neurotic wives, but if so, neither has admitted it.

Slightly different rules apply to other fashion decisions a husband might make. Occasionally, for example, the Hero wonders why HE isn't allowed to wear something to work that he sees a coworker wearing.

"Mark wears a windbreaker to work," he said once, with mild accusation. 

"Nothing against Mark," I said," but he's a bachelor. He has no spouse to guide him in these matters. Mark is not a suitable role model."

Mark, unknowingly, became an object of envy. 

"Now John," I said, referring to another coworker, "is a bachelor with good taste. HIM you can use as a role model. I'm sure John never wore a windbreaker to work."

The Hero never cared much for John. 

John is no longer around to model appropriate attire for the Hero and other likeminded husbands at the company, who miss those carefree days when they happily dressed like other bachelors -- sloppy pants, shirttails askew, socks with sandals. Wherever he is today, no doubt the wives of his new coworkers are saying to their husbands, "See how John dresses...?"