Supersize me

It's that time of year again, when millions of us head back to the gym to resume our long-neglected workouts. It can be an embarrassing experience for some of us. Not only have we gotten out of shape, it has been so long since we have been to the gym that we have forgotten where it is located. (Luckily it does not take the Hero and I long to remember where OUR gym is, because it is not far from a Dunkin Donuts, whose location we ALWAYS remember.)

At the Y, where we (sometimes) work out (for a couple of minutes in January and February), cheerful staff members ask what my goals are. Do I want to be more healthy? Am I looking to stave off muscle loss? Bench press twice my weight?

No, I say. I want to be able to lift my hair spray bottle.

Seriously. The supersizing phenomenon, which has resulted in pretty much everything being gigantical -- food portions, cars, even body parts -- has invaded the hair product industry. "Now 356% MORE FREE!" a can of hair spray screams. This is 832% more than the previous can, which was already heavy enough to cause some serious ligament damage.

Naturally the containers, also, have swelled 356% and 832% larger to accommodate all this extra product. My hair spray bottle now stands about a foot tall, which is why I need to get some serious muscle going here.

Perhaps the industry is simply trying to provide moral support and restore our sense of dignity. After all, we are limited to three ounces of liquid in our airplane carry-ons. This way, we can comfort ourselves with the knowledge that in our checked luggage, or back home, we are rich in Anti-Aging Body Building Amplifying Tamer Spray (Ultra). 

But it can only be a matter of time before this sort of supersizing begins to take its toll. Upper body injuries among women in particular will increase. Gyms will offer classes to help women deal with these realities: "Heavy Aerosol Can Lifting," "Recovery for Torn Upper Adductor Muscles," "What Are Upper Adductor Muscles?" etc.    

In the meantime, I will someday return to my routine of muscle-building activities. Eventually my biceps will come to the attention of others, and when they ask what my secret is, I will smile and say:

Hair spray.