Camera.
Moxie.
Cheez-Whiz.
Your Highness.
This is not just a list of random words. We wish it were. Instead, it is a list of random, actual names that random parents -- some celebrities, some just your average clueless parents -- have named their children. (Somewhere there is probably a Random, too.)
This situation is, thankfully, entirely preventable in places like Denmark, Germany, and Iceland, where parents must choose a name from a state-approved list. The names must conform with grammar rules of the language, and must not provide occasion to embarrass the child. (Although parents are perfectly free to embarrass their children in other ways.)
This came to our attention through a story about a young woman in Iceland who is suing to use the name given her at birth, although the name is not on the approved list and has been formally rejected by the people in charge of such things. Her name, Blaer, apparently does not conform to Icelandic grammar rules, and moreover takes a masculine article (masculine articles, for speakers of English, refers to such items as ties, bowler hats, galoshes, high-waisted pants, etc.). You can see how confusing that would be.
Blaer, which means "light breeze," is officially referred to as Stulka, which means "girl." You can see how the committee made the choice to reject Blaer -- I mean, being referred to as "Girl" is not nearly as embarrassing as "Light Breeze" would be, right?
People in Iceland are evidently listed in the phone book by their first name. I don't know how many people are in the Iceland phone book, but if everyone is listed by their first name, and there are only roughly 3500 acceptable first names, I'm envisioning a page that looks like this:
Adalbjorg
Adalbjorg
Adalbjorg
Adalbjorg
Adalbjorg
Adalbjorg
Adalbjorg
Eirikur
Eirikur
Eirikur
Eirikur
Eirikur
Eirikur
Eirikur
Eirikur
Eirikur
Elvis
Yes, Elvis is on the approved list of Icelandic names, due to the little-known fact that Elvis, the person, is actually of Icelandic origin, but his proper name (Gunterfruggbittr) wouldn't fit on his record albums, so Elvis he became.
Just what are the Icelandic rules of grammar? From a careful study of a handful of Icelandic names, I conclude that the rules are basically these:
1. Since the Icelandic alphabet does not contain the letter c, parents must karefully and kreatively konsider how to konfer a *herished tag on their *hild.
2. A single consonant within a word is likely to get lonely, so it must be accompanied by at least one other consonant, preferably one of its own kind. Hence, the name Snorri, or Unnar.
3. When doubled, these consonants are going to generate some gossip between them, and they will want to share this gossip with a third party. Hence, tapppnerk.
4. You know, it's cold in Iceland, and when you pronounce a word with several different consonants, sometimes the vowel sounds just aren't worth the trouble. Hence, glbbbbimmmpppplll.
5. When two vowels go walking, one is definitely going to step on the other one.
Of course we don't have an official name list in the U.S. This is because virtually all names, including Cheez-Whiz, conform to English grammar rules, which really consists of only one rule: There is almost always more than one way to spell any word. This is why we have Katelynns, Kaitlins, Caitlyns, etc. Also Caden, Kaden, Kadyn, and assorted friends.
And if we instituted a rule about a name not embarrassing a child, well, roughly 22 million individuals would suddenly start being called Boy or Girl. Particularly celebrity children, many of whom quite naturally were so named because their parents wanted something unique, because they are, after all, the child of a celebrity. If a celebrity REALLY wanted to name their child a unique name, it would be something like: David. Of course the child would need a nickname, and if the celebrity were truly outrageous, that would be Dave.
And let's not even get started on last names, many of which are unpronounceable AND embarrassing. Perhaps we should hark back to the days when people did not have last names, and were known instead by their profession, as in William the Carpenter or Molly the Midwife or Sven the Head-Chopper. Only today, we would be Jamilla the Administration Ambassador or Rhianna the Content Catalyst Coordinator or Jayden the Commander in Beef.
In the meantime, please, please don't name your kid Cheez-Whiz.
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