Wild kingdom

The Hero recently had occasion to observe what a hard-working editor does when we were both home one weekday. I was surrounded by children's picture books, which I was reviewing for one of our publications at work.

"You have a sweet job," he said after some time of observation. "Read about teddy bears, write a little about it...read about trains, write about it....."

"You," I said primly, "are just jealous. And I am not writing about teddy bears. I am writing about serious science things, like the Goliath birdeater tarantula."

I was arranged comfortably on the couch, which is the only way I would ever learn about Goliath birdeater tarantulas. I would be unlikely to encounter any of them while on the couch, which is really the only goal I have concerning tarantulas.

I learned from my reading that the Goliath birdeater tarantula is large enough to eat frogs, lizards, birds, small mammals such as children and petite adults, clowns, tacky furniture, etc. Fortunately, spiders do not have any teeth. Unfortunately, they have plenty of digestive juices, which they drool onto their victims and then "suck them up." So if you see a drooling spider, you might want to make yourself scarce.

Another delightful creature, the giant squid, remains elusive, having recently been photographed for the first time ever in its natural habitat (Las Vegas).* Its elusiveness is in large part due to the creature's dinner-plate-size eyes, which scientists theorize help it detect research subs from long distances so it can raise the alarm for other giant squid: "Humans in vicinity! Scatter!"

Growing to some 50 feet and weighing around a ton, giant squid can probably eat pretty much anything they want down there. Sperm whales have a taste for the squid, and they must also have a taste for danger and adventure, 'cuz the squid are not just rolling over and being eaten willingly. Their tentacles leave huge round scars on the whales. I personally have never been interested in eating anything that I had to fight so much for.

If you are ever walking across some land and hear a giant sucking noise, and you happen to be in a certain part of Australia, you might be walking atop the tunnels belonging to the giant Gippsland earthworm. "Gippy" is three feet long and lives in a complex system of tunnels, where it "eats roots and plant material." We'd better hope it never gets bored with eating roots and plant material.

The Goliath beetle can be up to six inches long, is the world's heaviest insect, and resembles a small battleship. And that is all that really needs to be said about the Goliath beetle.

After all this exciting knowledge gathering, at some point I will return to my assignment, if I can remember what that was...


*However, dead giant squid have been found with cameras** in their stomach contents, so...we will let readers draw their own conclusions. 

**Not really.