Donuts on the loose

"Hey, get out of there!" I hissed. A box of 12-count Entenmann's donuts had appeared out of nowhere in my grocery cart. "What are you doing? You're not supposed to be here!"

"You don't like us?" they said, hurt.

"One of you, maybe. Not 12."

But they were not about to go back on the shelf. They were giddy to be in a cart, exploring the world outside Baked Goods.

This was going to be a dilemma.

"Oooo, where are we goin' first? We've never been anywhere else in the store!" they chorused.

"Shhhhh!" I said. "Keep it down in there. I don't want anyone to see you."

In the refrigerated section of the produce department, they let out a whoop. "Cider! Get some! We go good with cider." They started to chant:  "Ci-der! Ci-der!"

I grabbed the first thing I could.

"Heyyy!" they said when something big and dark crashed down on them. "Get that cabbage off us! We're gonna be smooshed."

"Good," I muttered. "Then I won't be tempted to eat you."

But there were 12 of them, and they couldn't be held down for long. Straining, they managed to roll the cabbage off them.

I pushed the cart through the produce department, trying to keep the donuts out of sight. But somehow, as I turned away to look at some apples, they reached out and grabbed a container of caramel sauce and pulled it into the cart. Full fat.

"Caramel sauce! For apples!" they said happily. "We go good with them. AND they're healthy."

"Ohhhhh, no," I said. "No. No. No. If we have to have caramel sauce, it's going to be fat-free."

While I was busy switching out the caramel sauces, I heard a small voice say, "Want donut." I turned to see a boy sitting in a nearby cart, staring at my box of donuts. 

The donuts were WAVING to him. 

"Mommm...WANT DONUT," he said more insistently to the woman with him. He pointed to my cart.

I hurriedly dumped a large bag of apples in the cart, on top of the donut box, but not before the mom spied it. With a horrified look on her face, she made to put some distance between her son and me, telling him, "We don't eat...things like that."

"Look at the trouble you're causing me!" I said to the donuts. "For goodness' sake, just be quiet!"

Not for long. "What does THAT say," they said, squinting at a sign by the coffee stand. "La-...lat-..."

I quickly turned the cart, but it was too late. "Latte!" they shouted in unison. "Donuts are PERFECT with lattes!"

Before the chanting could begin, I swung into the first open check-out lane. I had to get them out, fast.

"Oooo," they said, looking at the magazines. "Hot chocolate. We'd be yummy with THAT."

"Hey," said a package of marshmallows, abandoned on the shelf among the candy and magazines. It sounded vaguely sinister. "Hot chocolate is MY territory."

"Sorry," the donuts said.

The abandoned marshmallows gave me an idea...if no one was looking, I could just slip the donuts behind Real Simple. It was the holiday edition, several inches thick --

"Hey!" the donuts protested as I picked them up off the belt. "We gotta go back on the belt! We've been waitin' all day to ride the belt!"

I sighed and put the box back on the belt, along with the rest of my groceries. Idly gazing at the order of the woman in front of me, I saw whole oats. Lots of fruits and veggies. Organic orange juice. The donuts would NEVER have jumped into HER cart.

I leaned in closer to the cashier and said in a low voice, "I changed my mind on the donuts. I'm not going to take them."

"No problem," she said cheerily, and set them aside.

"Hey!" they protested. "We're supposed to go in the bag!"

I deliberately turned away from them -- it was easier not to hear their clamoring that way -- and paid my bill.

I snuck a peek at the donuts as I pushed my cart by them, but I was already forgotten. They were endeavoring to climb into the cart of a man in the next lane, while his back was turned.

I wished them luck.