IKEA 911

According to news reports, a call was made to police in Britain about "screaming and banging" that could be heard in a nearby house. It was very late at night. Was there domestic violence occurring? A robbery? Murder??

No. Just a couple attempting, as the police reported, to "put together their IKEA furniture." 

This accounted for the banging. The screaming was the couple's infant, apparently protesting having its sleep time interrupted by the assembly of a chest of drawers. Reports indicate that police left the home "satisfied that no crime had been committed."

Perhaps not. But I personally suspect that the infant in this case was unjustly accused of creating a racket, and that the screaming was in fact due to other causes -- namely, the parents who were putting together the IKEA furniture. If I had been engaged in this endeavor, for example, it could very well have been accompanied by screaming, along with much weeping and gnashing of teeth. And that would have been while just trying to get the stuff out of the box.

Further, given my assembly skills, I imagine that had police been called to MY home, they may have concluded that a crime WAS committed:

"I'm sorry, ma'am, we're going to have to take you in for questioning. From the looks of things, you have assembled the Brimnes Wall Cabinet with Sliding Door upside down, which violates the Geneva Conventions. Please come with us. And no screaming, please."

Which presents a quandary, because the only things that will fit into our tiny rowhouse are things that can be brought in in pieces. A sofa minus its legs, for example, or a refrigerator without doors, shelves, back panels, freezer, sides, etc.

Fortunately I have the Hero, who, in his bachelor days, was Mr. IKEA, enjoying the process of putting together shelves, beds, desks -- anything made of cheap wood. 

I imagine that the next time the neighbor who made that call in Britain hears unusual noises from anywhere, he is not going to be in a hurry to call the police again. Someday the wife is going to be attacked in their own home by aliens, screaming for her husband to get help, and the husband is going to be like, "Oh, no, Edna. Not this time. I'm not going to send the bobbies on another wild goose chase...see, there? It's quieted down already. Edna? Edna?...Hello, police? Please send someone right away. Something's very wr--Aggghhhhhh!!" 

"Who was it?" a dispatcher will ask the one who took the man's call.

"I dunno. Some guy putting his IKEA stuff together, I guess."