It is a truth universally acknowledged that, out of the approximately 13,874 paint colors known to man (whose name is Benjamin Moore), two spouses, of sound mind and living otherwise harmoniously together in the same dwelling, will be able to agree on: exactly none of them.
One spouse will insist on Fun Colors, defined roughly as anything not Brown, Beige, or White. The other will believe that Heaven itself is filled with shades of Brown, Beige, and White -- although this belief is not based on a strict interpretation of the Bible -- and that their little slice of heaven here on earth should mirror the greater.
These paint preferences are notoriously difficult to change, although it does happen (a documented case occurred on January 16, 1932, in Ketchum, Idaho, where a man finally agreed to let his wife paint the kitchen Wild Manzanita, with the stipulation that she wait until after his death). But do not think you can trick your spouse into believing that a color is fun when in fact it is not. I tried to elicit Joe's support for Muddlement, a color that I hoped might pass for pumpkin -- which he tolerates because it exists in a no-man's land between Fun Colors and Unfun Colors -- but that was, basically, brown. I did not mention this fact.
"How about this one?" I said. "It's sort of pumpkin-y."
He peered at it. "That's brown," he said. "Nice try."
The statistics on wallpaper agreement are even more dismal, if possible. Friends of ours clashed so vehemently over wallpaper samples that the saleswoman grew alarmed, believing a dissolution of their marriage would take place right there in the store.
Although the marriage is still thriving, they have never yet had wallpaper in their home.
*Note: All names of paint colors mentioned in this post are actual -- no whitewashing of the truth HERE -- although I cannot claim acquaintance with anyone who has personally used them.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Ask the Expert II
Today we bring you another important Q & A session on issues pertaining to food. These questions have to do with the food guide pyramid, which has guided generations of consumers (at least since 1992) in making healthy, heart-smart food choices. Unfortunately, in recent years the food guide pyramid has been found, through scientific study, to cause obesity. This was not, of course, the government's fault, but it was considered prudent to come up with a new system, which is called the "food guidance system."
Q: What is the food guidance system?
A: The food guidance system is a representation that divides various foods into groups based on taste. Based on research showing an absolute inverse relation between the nutritional value of a food and its taste, the new pyramid has several vertical sections, labeled roughly "Foods that Taste Awesome (Do Not Eat Any of These)," "Mediocre-Tasting Foods (Eat More of These)," and "Healthy, Eat-All-You-Want Foods that Taste Like Tree Bark."
Q: Does the new system include exercise?
A: Of course it does! The government knows you're not going to stick to foods you are supposed to eat, so in order to work off all the foods you eat that taste good, you must exercise. The new system therefore depicts a person ascending a staircase to represent the role of exercise in a healthy lifestyle. Alternatively, this person might possibly represent a wandering soul in search of an approved food that does not taste like tree bark.
Q: Why is the new food guidance system better than the old pyramid?
A: Clearly, one size does not fit all when it comes to diet (particularly since consumers are growing collectively larger). Therefore, the new system allows consumers to individualize their eating plan based on their age, gender, body mass, astrological sign, birth order, political party affiliation, personal beliefs about whether Jell-o is an actual food, and other important factors.
Q: How does a consumer go about individualizing his or her food guidance system?
A: The new pyramid is blank, and you fill in your own food requirements. In extreme cases, pyramids should be left blank indefinitely, and no food should be consumed.
Q: The pyramid doesn't show any actual food categories? That doesn't seem like much "guidance."
A, really a Q: Do you think the government can solve all your problems?
Q, really an A: Yes.
A: Then I have some bailout funds for you.
Q: Um, so, in the old food pyramid, fats, oils, and sweets were at the top of the pyramid. Why?
A: Because they were considered the top priority in a healthful, happy diet. People were encouraged to consume plenty of these foods, especially sweets. This had nothing to do with the increase in obesity among consumers who followed the food guide pyramid.
Q: What do the different colors in the new pyramid represent?
A: These colors correspond to your personal color type, i.e., whether you are a Winter, Spring, Summer, Fall, All-Season Person, Rainy, Drippy, Sleety, etc. If you are a Fall person, for example, the foods shown in the fall colors on the pyramid will make you appear thinner.
Q: I'm a Spring, but there aren't any pastel colors on the pyramid.
A: This means you are free to choose whatever foods you want. You can blame the government for the consequences.
Q: Do other societies have different food pyramids?
A: Recent discoveries indicate that a certain society, which shall remain nameless, has a pyramid containing categories for "chemical enhancements" and "unidentified proteins."
Q: Ugh!
A: Yes.
Q: What is wrong with the average American diet today?
A: WE'RE SORRY, ATTEMPTING TO ANSWER THIS QUESTION HAS CAUSED OUR SYSTEM TO CRASH. THAT WILL BE ALL FOR TODAY.
Q: What is the food guidance system?
A: The food guidance system is a representation that divides various foods into groups based on taste. Based on research showing an absolute inverse relation between the nutritional value of a food and its taste, the new pyramid has several vertical sections, labeled roughly "Foods that Taste Awesome (Do Not Eat Any of These)," "Mediocre-Tasting Foods (Eat More of These)," and "Healthy, Eat-All-You-Want Foods that Taste Like Tree Bark."
Q: Does the new system include exercise?
A: Of course it does! The government knows you're not going to stick to foods you are supposed to eat, so in order to work off all the foods you eat that taste good, you must exercise. The new system therefore depicts a person ascending a staircase to represent the role of exercise in a healthy lifestyle. Alternatively, this person might possibly represent a wandering soul in search of an approved food that does not taste like tree bark.
Q: Why is the new food guidance system better than the old pyramid?
A: Clearly, one size does not fit all when it comes to diet (particularly since consumers are growing collectively larger). Therefore, the new system allows consumers to individualize their eating plan based on their age, gender, body mass, astrological sign, birth order, political party affiliation, personal beliefs about whether Jell-o is an actual food, and other important factors.
Q: How does a consumer go about individualizing his or her food guidance system?
A: The new pyramid is blank, and you fill in your own food requirements. In extreme cases, pyramids should be left blank indefinitely, and no food should be consumed.
Q: The pyramid doesn't show any actual food categories? That doesn't seem like much "guidance."
A, really a Q: Do you think the government can solve all your problems?
Q, really an A: Yes.
A: Then I have some bailout funds for you.
Q: Um, so, in the old food pyramid, fats, oils, and sweets were at the top of the pyramid. Why?
A: Because they were considered the top priority in a healthful, happy diet. People were encouraged to consume plenty of these foods, especially sweets. This had nothing to do with the increase in obesity among consumers who followed the food guide pyramid.
Q: What do the different colors in the new pyramid represent?
A: These colors correspond to your personal color type, i.e., whether you are a Winter, Spring, Summer, Fall, All-Season Person, Rainy, Drippy, Sleety, etc. If you are a Fall person, for example, the foods shown in the fall colors on the pyramid will make you appear thinner.
Q: I'm a Spring, but there aren't any pastel colors on the pyramid.
A: This means you are free to choose whatever foods you want. You can blame the government for the consequences.
Q: Do other societies have different food pyramids?
A: Recent discoveries indicate that a certain society, which shall remain nameless, has a pyramid containing categories for "chemical enhancements" and "unidentified proteins."
Q: Ugh!
A: Yes.
Q: What is wrong with the average American diet today?
A: WE'RE SORRY, ATTEMPTING TO ANSWER THIS QUESTION HAS CAUSED OUR SYSTEM TO CRASH. THAT WILL BE ALL FOR TODAY.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Lord, it's me
You know, Lord, You sure do have a sense of humor. People say You often answer prayers in ways we don't expect. Well, when I prayed that You would help me figure out how to balance all the things I have to get done in a day -- sleeping, eating, eating some more, sleeping; there's never enough time! -- I certainly did not expect that Your solution would involve Joe, health food stores, and bread that tastes like hockey pucks because it is gluten free.
Nope, didn't see that coming at all. In fact, it didn't hit me at first that that was Your answer.
I guess I was expecting, You know, to get a maid, or a personal chef. A personal chef would be nice. Really nice. No more spending precious brain cells -- which don't seem to be as plentiful as they used to be, by the way; do You have any remedy for that? -- on what to make for dinner. No more schlepping around the grocery store on Saturday mornings when I could be doing more productive things, like sleeping. No more spending two hours every evening cooking.
Well, in a way I don't have to worry about those things anymore. Joe does a lot of the cooking now, with the few little ingredients he can have, poor thing. He's shopped for food more in the last four weeks than he has in the last four years. So it's helped a lot, really it has.
But You know, Lord, if You don't mind my saying so, and if it doesn't seem too ungrateful of me, I'm getting a little tired of stir-fry.
Now, I like stir-fry. Especially when someone else goes to the trouble of making it for me, like Joe's been doing. But even with different ingredients every night, it still tastes pretty much the same. It really is true that a lot of things taste like chicken.
What's that, Lord? You say I'm starting to sound like the children of Israel in the wilderness? You mean the ones who got in BIG trouble when they started complaining about the manna You sent them? Well, You know, when I think about it, stir-fry really is pretty tasty. And there's nothing wrong with eating chicken, or chicken-like food, every night. No, Sir, nothing at all. Things aren't too bad here after all, I guess.
But maybe You could just think about that personal chef idea...?
Nope, didn't see that coming at all. In fact, it didn't hit me at first that that was Your answer.
I guess I was expecting, You know, to get a maid, or a personal chef. A personal chef would be nice. Really nice. No more spending precious brain cells -- which don't seem to be as plentiful as they used to be, by the way; do You have any remedy for that? -- on what to make for dinner. No more schlepping around the grocery store on Saturday mornings when I could be doing more productive things, like sleeping. No more spending two hours every evening cooking.
Well, in a way I don't have to worry about those things anymore. Joe does a lot of the cooking now, with the few little ingredients he can have, poor thing. He's shopped for food more in the last four weeks than he has in the last four years. So it's helped a lot, really it has.
But You know, Lord, if You don't mind my saying so, and if it doesn't seem too ungrateful of me, I'm getting a little tired of stir-fry.
Now, I like stir-fry. Especially when someone else goes to the trouble of making it for me, like Joe's been doing. But even with different ingredients every night, it still tastes pretty much the same. It really is true that a lot of things taste like chicken.
What's that, Lord? You say I'm starting to sound like the children of Israel in the wilderness? You mean the ones who got in BIG trouble when they started complaining about the manna You sent them? Well, You know, when I think about it, stir-fry really is pretty tasty. And there's nothing wrong with eating chicken, or chicken-like food, every night. No, Sir, nothing at all. Things aren't too bad here after all, I guess.
But maybe You could just think about that personal chef idea...?
Thursday, March 12, 2009
In which I am out-beveraged
I have oft been ridiculed for my belief -- which I freely put into practice -- in carrying Excess Luggage, in the form of Multiple Beverages, during the course of my daily exhausting and complex missions. These include going to work, to Target, the bank, the mailbox, etc. I may leave the house with only a water bottle, but at the end of the day that water, like a wantonly multiplying pair of rabbits, has spawned a Diet Coke, a hot chocolate, an eggnog latte, another bottle of water, etc., all of which I require considerable assistance maneuvering into the house when I return.
But occasionally, in a lapse of sanity, I forget to bring along a drink. And so I was on the plane last week, minus any beverages, wondering how long it would be until I started to dehydrate, and whether this process is hastened by high altitude, and whether this situation constituted a Necessary Emergency about which I should alert the nearest flight attendant, when a woman stopped at the end of my row and began to settle her belongings. This temporarily distracted me from my impending death by dehydration, until I saw her belongings.
From somewhere the woman took out a drink carrier containing coffee and some sort of slushie, which she carefully placed on the floor in front of the seat between us. She sat down in the aisle seat and pulled a bottle of water from her bag, which went into the seat pocket in front of her. Next to the bottle of water appeared a bottle of fruit juice. She arranged these beverages lovingly, as if they were her prized poodles.
And when the beverage cart came -- the official beverage cart -- she got a tomato juice and a little slice of lime to go with it.
Within a matter of seconds the Beverage Queen had completely commandeered the seat between us and all its associated space. I wondered how she knew no one would be sitting in that seat. Maybe she had purchased both seats for this very purpose. I imagined her entering her passenger information.
Number of passengers: 2
Passenger 1: 1 adult, 13 or older
Passenger 2: 4 beverages, 1/2 hour old or less
Was she trying to use the onboard restroom, the very thought of which caused me to shudder? But not once did she leave her seat, which made me greatly wonder.
Was she drinking for two? Or maybe three or four or five? There must be some great need in her life that drove her to such extremes. Perhaps her mother hadn't loved her enough?
We were sternly warned by the Doom Announcer that if we had to exit the plane in a necessary emergency, we were not to attempt to take any of our carry-on belongings. Surely they would make an exception for the Beverage Queen, but tough decisions would have to be made. Take the tomato juice and leave the slushie? I shook my head and was grateful that it was not me in that situation. Although a water would taste really great right about now. Or a Diet Coke. Or a tea. Or a water and a Diet Coke and a tea...
But occasionally, in a lapse of sanity, I forget to bring along a drink. And so I was on the plane last week, minus any beverages, wondering how long it would be until I started to dehydrate, and whether this process is hastened by high altitude, and whether this situation constituted a Necessary Emergency about which I should alert the nearest flight attendant, when a woman stopped at the end of my row and began to settle her belongings. This temporarily distracted me from my impending death by dehydration, until I saw her belongings.
From somewhere the woman took out a drink carrier containing coffee and some sort of slushie, which she carefully placed on the floor in front of the seat between us. She sat down in the aisle seat and pulled a bottle of water from her bag, which went into the seat pocket in front of her. Next to the bottle of water appeared a bottle of fruit juice. She arranged these beverages lovingly, as if they were her prized poodles.
And when the beverage cart came -- the official beverage cart -- she got a tomato juice and a little slice of lime to go with it.
Within a matter of seconds the Beverage Queen had completely commandeered the seat between us and all its associated space. I wondered how she knew no one would be sitting in that seat. Maybe she had purchased both seats for this very purpose. I imagined her entering her passenger information.
Number of passengers: 2
Passenger 1: 1 adult, 13 or older
Passenger 2: 4 beverages, 1/2 hour old or less
Was she trying to use the onboard restroom, the very thought of which caused me to shudder? But not once did she leave her seat, which made me greatly wonder.
Was she drinking for two? Or maybe three or four or five? There must be some great need in her life that drove her to such extremes. Perhaps her mother hadn't loved her enough?
We were sternly warned by the Doom Announcer that if we had to exit the plane in a necessary emergency, we were not to attempt to take any of our carry-on belongings. Surely they would make an exception for the Beverage Queen, but tough decisions would have to be made. Take the tomato juice and leave the slushie? I shook my head and was grateful that it was not me in that situation. Although a water would taste really great right about now. Or a Diet Coke. Or a tea. Or a water and a Diet Coke and a tea...
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
In the unlikely event you are listening
According to airline surveys located in the seat pocket in front of you, fewer than -.0001% of airplane passengers listen to the pre-flight safety instructions recited by flight attendants, although most manage to catch the important parts, such as "WATER LANDING," "PEANUTS WILL BE SERVED," "SAVE YOURSELF BEFORE OTHERS," etc. But I encourage people to pay attention to these instructions because, in the unlikely event of an emergency, they may just save your life. Alternatively, they can make you more confused, as happened on a recent flight.
"In the event of a water landing," our Doom Announcer on Flight 903 intoned, "a flotation device is located under you, or..." -- here she paused slightly, as if uncertain that this was, in fact, true 100% of the time, and appeared to decide that she could not make that claim -- "...somewhere around you," she finished, with more confidence.
This left the passengers -- the -0001% who were listening -- to wonder what "around us" might be masquerading as a flotation device. A pillow? a blanket? the SkyMall magazine? the passenger next to us?
The Doom Announcer went on. "If an emergency becomes necessary, please use the nearest exit to leave the plane."
I'm sure that it is a not an easy thing for the crew to determine whether a particular emergency is necessary. I imagined the pilots discussing some event at 33,000 feet, such as a possible water landing due to engine failure, and attempting to diagnose the necessity of it:
Pilot 1: "Well, Ernie, what do you think? Is this emergency necessary?"
Pilot 2: "Gee, Fred, it's hard to say. (peers at instrument panel, on which every light is blinking frantically) I just have to go with my gut feeling here, and I don't think this emergency has reached the necessary stage yet. Besides, we don't want to scare the passengers unnecessarily."
We were then instructed by the Doom Announcer that, should we have to exit the plane due to a necessary emergency, we should "move away from the plane and not look back." Images of Lot's wife turning to a pillar of salt for this very offense immediately filled my mind, and I vowed silently that, should a necessary emergency force me to evacuate the plane, I would not look back.
Except maybe to find my flotation device, if I ever figured out what it was.
"In the event of a water landing," our Doom Announcer on Flight 903 intoned, "a flotation device is located under you, or..." -- here she paused slightly, as if uncertain that this was, in fact, true 100% of the time, and appeared to decide that she could not make that claim -- "...somewhere around you," she finished, with more confidence.
This left the passengers -- the -0001% who were listening -- to wonder what "around us" might be masquerading as a flotation device. A pillow? a blanket? the SkyMall magazine? the passenger next to us?
The Doom Announcer went on. "If an emergency becomes necessary, please use the nearest exit to leave the plane."
I'm sure that it is a not an easy thing for the crew to determine whether a particular emergency is necessary. I imagined the pilots discussing some event at 33,000 feet, such as a possible water landing due to engine failure, and attempting to diagnose the necessity of it:
Pilot 1: "Well, Ernie, what do you think? Is this emergency necessary?"
Pilot 2: "Gee, Fred, it's hard to say. (peers at instrument panel, on which every light is blinking frantically) I just have to go with my gut feeling here, and I don't think this emergency has reached the necessary stage yet. Besides, we don't want to scare the passengers unnecessarily."
We were then instructed by the Doom Announcer that, should we have to exit the plane due to a necessary emergency, we should "move away from the plane and not look back." Images of Lot's wife turning to a pillar of salt for this very offense immediately filled my mind, and I vowed silently that, should a necessary emergency force me to evacuate the plane, I would not look back.
Except maybe to find my flotation device, if I ever figured out what it was.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
The second key to good decorating
In the previous post we discussed the building block of good decorating, which is having a dog. Of course, a dog is only the beginning of tasteful decorating. To this beginning you must add paint -- to the room, of course, not the dog, and if your painting skills are anything like ours, when you start painting you will want the dog and any other objects you value well out of the way, preferably in Switzerland.
As we saw with the dog, home decorating magazines are a good place to get inspiration for paint colors and schemes.* As one magazine declares, "It's amazing what you can do with paint." It IS amazing, because when you look at the photos in these magazines, it is difficult to detect any actual paint.
Walls in these homes -- we call them homes, although it has never been documented that anyone actually lives in them -- are covered with enormous picture windows overlooking the ocean, grand fireplaces, built-in bookcases, objects d'art, etc., leaving very little room for paint. In contrast, the walls of the average homeowner's dwelling are covered with: holes from misplaced photographs, or perhaps a spouse's overzealousness at searching for a hidden fireplace behind the wall.**
*Our readers might wonder what the difference is between a paint color and a paint scheme. Paint colors are, of course, things like red, blue, ecru, daylight, twilight, midnight madness, etc., whereas a paint scheme is defined as "an effort on the part of an individual to win over a reluctant spouse in the matter of preferred paint color. Often includes begging and, when warranted, threats or deception."
**Not that we, personally, have any experience with this particular situation.
The result is that there is actually very little paint needed for the walls you see in the photos. Whereas when we paint, even with the same exact color mentioned in the story accompanying the picture, we have four painted walls staring at us, begging for something to cover their nakedness and shame, some objects d'art, or at least some objects.
Unfortunately we do not have time today to discuss more on this issue of decorating, but we will return to the subject once the Princess and Hero return from their short trip, which will, happily, involve no meal preparation or cleaning or paint scheming.
This blog is officially on sabbatical until next week.
As we saw with the dog, home decorating magazines are a good place to get inspiration for paint colors and schemes.* As one magazine declares, "It's amazing what you can do with paint." It IS amazing, because when you look at the photos in these magazines, it is difficult to detect any actual paint.
Walls in these homes -- we call them homes, although it has never been documented that anyone actually lives in them -- are covered with enormous picture windows overlooking the ocean, grand fireplaces, built-in bookcases, objects d'art, etc., leaving very little room for paint. In contrast, the walls of the average homeowner's dwelling are covered with: holes from misplaced photographs, or perhaps a spouse's overzealousness at searching for a hidden fireplace behind the wall.**
*Our readers might wonder what the difference is between a paint color and a paint scheme. Paint colors are, of course, things like red, blue, ecru, daylight, twilight, midnight madness, etc., whereas a paint scheme is defined as "an effort on the part of an individual to win over a reluctant spouse in the matter of preferred paint color. Often includes begging and, when warranted, threats or deception."
**Not that we, personally, have any experience with this particular situation.
The result is that there is actually very little paint needed for the walls you see in the photos. Whereas when we paint, even with the same exact color mentioned in the story accompanying the picture, we have four painted walls staring at us, begging for something to cover their nakedness and shame, some objects d'art, or at least some objects.
Unfortunately we do not have time today to discuss more on this issue of decorating, but we will return to the subject once the Princess and Hero return from their short trip, which will, happily, involve no meal preparation or cleaning or paint scheming.
This blog is officially on sabbatical until next week.
Monday, March 2, 2009
The key to good decorating
If you are searching for some ideas to spruce up your home, you can do no better than look through some home magazines to see the latest in decorating thought. Of course, there is no relation whatsoever between the homes you see featured in these magazines and your home, but everyone needs to dream.
However, the good news is that there is a simple secret to elegant decorating, which becomes apparent after you have looked through a couple hundred of these magazines. Think about all of the homes you have ever seen featured. What do they all have in common?
A dog.
Whenever you see someone's home showcased, there is always a dog somewhere in the picture. Usually it is reclining before a hearth, the epitome of contentment and tranquility. The message seems to be: If your dog can be comfortable in this room, so can you!
In fact, one of the requirements to have your home featured in this manner is that you have a dog. And it is always a particular kind of dog, usually something sweet and friendly, like a golden retriever. If a homeowner owns a dog with a less than perfect image -- say, a chihuahua, or a pit bull -- the decorators, who are skilled at staging (which is French for "bringing things into the home that the owners would never in a million years consider displaying") will bring in a more friendly-type dog, often a golden retriever named Rex.
So if you already have a dog, that "decorator's best friend," take heart! You already have the basic building block of the "showcase home." Now all you need is $5,000,000 for decorator fees.
However, the good news is that there is a simple secret to elegant decorating, which becomes apparent after you have looked through a couple hundred of these magazines. Think about all of the homes you have ever seen featured. What do they all have in common?
A dog.
Whenever you see someone's home showcased, there is always a dog somewhere in the picture. Usually it is reclining before a hearth, the epitome of contentment and tranquility. The message seems to be: If your dog can be comfortable in this room, so can you!
In fact, one of the requirements to have your home featured in this manner is that you have a dog. And it is always a particular kind of dog, usually something sweet and friendly, like a golden retriever. If a homeowner owns a dog with a less than perfect image -- say, a chihuahua, or a pit bull -- the decorators, who are skilled at staging (which is French for "bringing things into the home that the owners would never in a million years consider displaying") will bring in a more friendly-type dog, often a golden retriever named Rex.
So if you already have a dog, that "decorator's best friend," take heart! You already have the basic building block of the "showcase home." Now all you need is $5,000,000 for decorator fees.
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