Ask the Expert II

Today we bring you another important Q & A session on issues pertaining to food. These questions have to do with the food guide pyramid, which has guided generations of consumers (at least since 1992) in making healthy, heart-smart food choices. Unfortunately, in recent years the food guide pyramid has been found, through scientific study, to cause obesity. This was not, of course, the government's fault, but it was considered prudent to come up with a new system, which is called the "food guidance system."

Q: What is the food guidance system?

A: The food guidance system is a representation that divides various foods into groups based on taste. Based on research showing an absolute inverse relation between the nutritional value of a food and its taste, the new pyramid has several vertical sections, labeled roughly "Foods that Taste Awesome (Do Not Eat Any of These)," "Mediocre-Tasting Foods (Eat More of These)," and "Healthy, Eat-All-You-Want Foods that Taste Like Tree Bark."

Q: Does the new system include exercise?

A: Of course it does! The government knows you're not going to stick to foods you are supposed to eat, so in order to work off all the foods you eat that taste good, you must exercise. The new system therefore depicts a person ascending a staircase to represent the role of exercise in a healthy lifestyle. Alternatively, this person might possibly represent a wandering soul in search of an approved food that does not taste like tree bark.

Q: Why is the new food guidance system better than the old pyramid?

A: Clearly, one size does not fit all when it comes to diet (particularly since consumers are growing collectively larger). Therefore, the new system allows consumers to individualize their eating plan based on their age, gender, body mass, astrological sign, birth order, political party affiliation, personal beliefs about whether Jell-o is an actual food, and other important factors.

Q: How does a consumer go about individualizing his or her food guidance system?

A: The new pyramid is blank, and you fill in your own food requirements. In extreme cases, pyramids should be left blank indefinitely, and no food should be consumed.

Q: The pyramid doesn't show any actual food categories? That doesn't seem like much "guidance."

A, really a Q: Do you think the government can solve all your problems?

Q, really an A: Yes.

A: Then I have some bailout funds for you.

Q: Um, so, in the old food pyramid, fats, oils, and sweets were at the top of the pyramid. Why?

A: Because they were considered the top priority in a healthful, happy diet. People were encouraged to consume plenty of these foods, especially sweets. This had nothing to do with the increase in obesity among consumers who followed the food guide pyramid.

Q: What do the different colors in the new pyramid represent?

A: These colors correspond to your personal color type, i.e., whether you are a Winter, Spring, Summer, Fall, All-Season Person, Rainy, Drippy, Sleety, etc. If you are a Fall person, for example, the foods shown in the fall colors on the pyramid will make you appear thinner.

Q: I'm a Spring, but there aren't any pastel colors on the pyramid.

A: This means you are free to choose whatever foods you want. You can blame the government for the consequences.

Q: Do other societies have different food pyramids?

A: Recent discoveries indicate that a certain society, which shall remain nameless, has a pyramid containing categories for "chemical enhancements" and "unidentified proteins."

Q: Ugh!

A: Yes.

Q: What is wrong with the average American diet today?

A: WE'RE SORRY, ATTEMPTING TO ANSWER THIS QUESTION HAS CAUSED OUR SYSTEM TO CRASH. THAT WILL BE ALL FOR TODAY.