This book we got on vacations is really useful. It's really useful for helping us know what we don't want to do.
For instance, tracking mountain lions in Arizona. According to the book, mountain lions -- which the author insists have "gotten a bum rap" -- are tracked and counted as part of conservation efforts ("No you can't make a spur to Interstate 37 here! This is a community center for twenty-nine juvenile lions! No telling WHAT they'll do if they have no place to hang out after school!").
So you, as someone who is concerned about conserving the natural habitat of mountain lions and preventing the tragedy of juvenile delinquency among them -- or alternatively, as someone who has a death wish -- are invited to join a group of experts in counting the lions. You get extensive training (Trainer [showing picture of mountain lion]: "This is a mountain lion." [showing picture of elephant]: "This is not a mountain lion"). Then you head out to stalk the lions with the experts.
So far, not bad. I would do this. I would do this while remaining in an armored vehicle at all times, with the National Guard surrounding me, and watching for lions on a little video screen at the front of the vehicle.
But the book is quick to point out that the object is not to actually FIND the mountain lions. Phew! I am relieved to know that, although not relieved enough to sign up. You are merely looking for evidence that a lion may have been hanging out in the area, perhaps something along the lines of a note pinned to a tree that says "For a good time, call Arthur. 723-9964."
Lacking that evidence, you can look for other lion signs: footprints, fur, the occasional leftover meal, and "scat." If you are unfamiliar with "scat," may I suggest visiting http://www.bear-tracker.com/animalscat.html. But do not do so within 3 hours of attempting to consume a meal.
Examining any roadkill you might observe and extracting information from it, however, is probably best left to the professionals. The following type of scenario is to be avoided:
Volunteer vacationer (attempting to interview a former animal): Uh, excuse me, Mr., uh -- what was this, anyway? It's kind of hard to tell -- uh, Mr. Deer...we'd like to ask you a few questions, sir.
Former animal: (nothing)
Volunteer (encouraged): OK, then, uh, we're interested in knowing what type of animal you had this, um, run-in with.
Former animal: (nothing)
Volunteer: Uh, it's real important that we get this information, Mr. Deer. This is for science.
Voice from behind: I can tell you who it was. RAWRRRRRRRRRR!
Volunteer: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Professional: Just kidding.
Volunteer: Why, that's a dirty --
Deep voice from nearby: You two puny things looking for me?
Professional and volunteer: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
What the book is not clear about -- maybe this is covered in advanced training -- is whether it is possible, if you follow enough clues, to accidentally find the lion that left those clues. There you are, hot on the trail of some footprints, scat, scattered fur, leftover dinner, more scat, and wham! You step into a clearing and there, right before you, in all the splendor and terror you could have imagined about such a sight, is a group of male mountain lions gathered in a circle, deep in concentration over a game of cards.
I mean, can you imagine what that would do to your efforts to keep out Interstate 37? ("After-school programs my foot. They want us to support a gambling hall!")
Personally I think it is a good thing to keep track of your mountain lions. Say one month you get a count of 427 lions in a particular area, which happens to be in some proximity to your house, and the next month there are only 426.
Uh oh.
So yes, more power to those of you who want to spend your hard-earned vacation time going around collecting fur samples and examining scat and interviewing roadkill in an effort to keep tabs on those lions.
If you see Arthur, tell him I said hi.
No comments:
Post a Comment