An excuse to sleep more

My boss is lamenting the deterioration of her short-term memory. Well, she shouldn't be surprised: she is thirty-something. We can't expect our memory to last forever.

The other day she pleaded for suggestions on how she could improve her memory. The traditional brain-strengthening ideas were offered: Solving crossword puzzles. Doing word searches. Trading brains with someone who has an excellent memory.

Now this last option might be a good solution, but unfortunately it is specifically excluded in our company insurance guidelines: BRAIN TRANSPLANTS FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF IMPROVING ONE'S MEMORY ARE HEREBY EXCLUDED FROM COVERAGE. BRAIN TRANSPLANTS FOR OTHER REASONS, INCLUDING THE WISH TO FORGET HOW GEEKY ONE WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL, MAY BE CONSIDERED ON AN INDIVIDUAL BASIS.

But according to researchers, one of the best things any of us can do to improve our memory is to sleep more. I agree wholeheartedly.

The idea that we can strengthen our brain by resting it was a topic of much discussion at a conference of the American Psychological Association a few years ago. Apparently several sessions of the conference were devoted to discussing sleep and its benefits, including improvements in health and attitude. At many conferences I have been to, many of us do more than just talk about sleep: We heartily try it out. It certainly improves my attitude.

Sleeping, specifically dreaming, can also help us make sense of the day's events. For instance, I have been badgering Joe to find a new barber. After some time of being subjected to this badgering, he informed me that he had had a dream that he was on a fashion consultant show. The consultant told Joe that "long hair definitely doesn't work for you. You should go short and spiky." Joe acknowledged to me that this would definitely influence where he went to get his hair cut.

But back to sleep and memory.

According to researchers, Americans have a "pervasive sleep debt." This sleep debt is affecting our productivity, our work, our relationships, our ability to remember our name, etc. We become "clumsy, stupid, and unhealthy." If you are shortchanging yourself on sleep, It could even, as one researcher has chillingly pointed out, cause you to forget everything you learned about improving your golf swing in Wednesday's lesson so that by Saturday, you are worse off than if you had never taken the lesson.

This is serious indeed. If this collective sleep deprivation is left unchecked, we might find ourselves in a national crisis -- on the brink of sleep bankruptcy. Clearly, we must take action before disaster strikes. I propose, therefore, that we institute a bailout to deal with this issue. We must impose a sleep tax, effective immediately, to be paid by those who have a sleep surplus, such as babies, some elderly persons, and cats. The sleep tax would transfer units of sleep, called "units of sleep," to those with proven sleep debt.

Some, of course, may use their extra units of sleep unwisely, for raucous slumber parties, sleeping through church, etc. But this seems a small price to pay when the alternative is a nation of stupid, clumsy, unhealthy people.

We also need a stimulus package to get people to sleep more. As part of this sleep stimulus package, we might dedicate several hours each afternoon, as a nation, to napping. The traditional office forum for this, known currently as the Afternoon Meeting, is not entirely satisfactory and could be replaced by designated Nap Rooms, such as Joe's company has established in its new building. This would allow us to build up our own sleep reserves so that, in due time, more people could pay the sleep tax.

And if anyone questions your need for sleep in the middle of the day, just tell them you're off to improve your golf game.