In which I am out-beveraged

I have oft been ridiculed for my belief -- which I freely put into practice -- in carrying Excess Luggage, in the form of Multiple Beverages, during the course of my daily exhausting and complex missions. These include going to work, to Target, the bank, the mailbox, etc. I may leave the house with only a water bottle, but at the end of the day that water, like a wantonly multiplying pair of rabbits, has spawned a Diet Coke, a hot chocolate, an eggnog latte, another bottle of water, etc., all of which I require considerable assistance maneuvering into the house when I return.

But occasionally, in a lapse of sanity, I forget to bring along a drink. And so I was on the plane last week, minus any beverages, wondering how long it would be until I started to dehydrate, and whether this process is hastened by high altitude, and whether this situation constituted a Necessary Emergency about which I should alert the nearest flight attendant, when a woman stopped at the end of my row and began to settle her belongings. This temporarily distracted me from my impending death by dehydration, until I saw her belongings.

From somewhere the woman took out a drink carrier containing coffee and some sort of slushie, which she carefully placed on the floor in front of the seat between us. She sat down in the aisle seat and pulled a bottle of water from her bag, which went into the seat pocket in front of her. Next to the bottle of water appeared a bottle of fruit juice. She arranged these beverages lovingly, as if they were her prized poodles.

And when the beverage cart came -- the official beverage cart -- she got a tomato juice and a little slice of lime to go with it.

Within a matter of seconds the Beverage Queen had completely commandeered the seat between us and all its associated space. I wondered how she knew no one would be sitting in that seat. Maybe she had purchased both seats for this very purpose. I imagined her entering her passenger information.

Number of passengers: 2
Passenger 1: 1 adult, 13 or older
Passenger 2: 4 beverages, 1/2 hour old or less

Was she trying to use the onboard restroom, the very thought of which caused me to shudder? But not once did she leave her seat, which made me greatly wonder.

Was she drinking for two? Or maybe three or four or five? There must be some great need in her life that drove her to such extremes. Perhaps her mother hadn't loved her enough?

We were sternly warned by the Doom Announcer that if we had to exit the plane in a necessary emergency, we were not to attempt to take any of our carry-on belongings. Surely they would make an exception for the Beverage Queen, but tough decisions would have to be made. Take the tomato juice and leave the slushie? I shook my head and was grateful that it was not me in that situation. Although a water would taste really great right about now. Or a Diet Coke. Or a tea. Or a water and a Diet Coke and a tea...