Guide to holiday parties

For most of my life I have worked for nonprofit organizations, where the typical Christmas or "holiday" party consists of having the staff bring in various food items from home (Aunt Millie's fruitcake, burnt Christmas cookies that didn't make the cut, etc.) to celebrate. The entertainment is also home-grown, with some staff member who fancies himself or herself a poet reading an original creation to mark the occasion, while those listening start to sing "Jingle Bells" to drown out the misery of the poetry reading, and somebody from accounting dresses up in a pathetic Santa suit.

But corporate parties are another matter altogether. There, employees do not have to do anything for the party, except spend a couple of paychecks on articles of clothing that they will never wear again.

If you are a woman, you will need to purchase (or find a friend or relative your size who is willing to share) a dress that looks like it was made for Barbie. This dress must cover only 1/4 of the woman's actual skin, allowing her to turn into an icicle even before she reaches the party. This is standard dress no matter if you live in Hawaii or are doing scientific research at the South Pole.

Now, there is some consolation: The woman IS allowed to wear something called a "wrap," which is about the size of a handkerchief and is worn around her shoulders. Ostensibly, the wrap offers some warmth, but its chief occupation during the party will be to slowly work itself down her shoulders and onto her lap during dinner, when her partner will mistake it for his napkin. The remainder of the woman's evening will be spent trying to arrange the wrap in such a manner as to hide the smears from barbecue chicken fingers.

The woman's ensemble is not complete without "party shoes," which are traditionally black but may also be gold or silver and are covered with enough sequins to doubles as lights on the dance floor. But the most important requirement for party shoes is that they must not, under any circumstances, be comfortable. If the woman can put them on and stand up without falling over, they are not proper foot attire for such a gala affair.

But for once, the women are not the only ones who suffer. If you go to a very fancy affair, as we did this year, it will be known as "black tie." This indicates that a man can wear anything he wants, even pajamas, as long as he also has a black tie around his neck. No, actually it means that he must rent, or buy, a tuxedo, which is a suit with approximately 549 pieces of accompaniments.

Here is where the women's revenge comes in. Throughout the rest of the year, whenever a couple is getting ready to go somewhere, the man will jibe the woman about how long it is taking her to get ready. "Look at me!" he gloats. "I got ready in 3.9 minutes!"

But the woman merely smiles, because she knows that at "black tie" events the man will be in agony trying to get all those different pieces of the tux together. And if he puts them on in the wrong order, he has to start all over. If the party begins at 7, he should start dressing at noon.

Another staple of corporate holiday parties is the band. Everyone will love the band in the beginning, because the members are playing very softly while everyone has hors d'oeuvres and drinks and the president makes the requisite announcements about how far the company has come ("This great company was founded in 1763, with myself as president, secretary, and mail boy. The following year...."). Many times you would LIKE the band to start playing more loudly here, but it never does. That does not come until the dinner is served and you attempt to make some conversation with the person next to you. (There is no point in trying to talk to anyone across the table.) A typical conversation over the band's noise goes like this:

"Are you having a good time?"

"WHAT?"

"I SAID, ARE YOU HAVING A GOOD TIME?"

"YES, THE WINE IS GOOD!"

Or this:

"Has little Annie's throat healed?"

"OF COURSE MY FANNY IS REAL!"

So all in all, it's hard to say which type of holiday party is superior, the nonprofit or the corporate. I'll have a better idea once my teeth stop chattering and my hearing returns to normal.