"I don't need anything"

Those are the worst words you can hear at this time of year, when you are trying to find that perfect Christmas gift for someone on your list: "Oh, I don't need anything."

My mother has been saying these words for as long as I have been on this earth (after I came along, what more did she need? Ahem...just kidding). It is almost automatic now, like saying "Have a good day" to a stranger at the store: Whenever a gift occasion is discussed, my mom says this line.

You can't win when people tell you not to get them a gift, because you can never be quite sure whether they really mean it or whether they are just being polite. And if you don't get them something -- even if they were actually sincere about it -- you risk looking bad in front of everyone else. Once, for instance, I chose to believe that my mom really didn't want anything, and so I didn't get her anything for Mother's Day other than a card. Maybe it was just my imagination, or guilt, but I got some disapproving looks from her friends and relatives for a while after that. I got the feeling that it was no secret I hadn't given her a present.

I was talking with my parents on the phone a few weeks ago when my mother said, predictably, "Don't buy us anything for Christmas."

But my father, picking up on the "us" in her statement, interjected, "Welllll, let's wait a minute here."

Maybe she didn't want anything for Christmas, but clearly she wasn't speaking for him. If the kids want to get him presents, who is he to spoil their joy? They can get him as many gifts as they want.

"Well," I said, "We're not coming for Christmas this year, remember? So I won't be getting you anything."

"Oh, that's right," my mom said. "Well, we don't need anything anyway."

But as we hung up, I think I heard my dad sigh.