This weekend I attempted to assert some authority over our Christmas tree. If you've ever tried to assemble an artificial tree, you know that it does not take kindly to being poked and prodded into shape. (I imagine that real trees also have their quirks, but as I have no experience with real trees, I will not attempt to speak to their quirks. As you know, everything written in this blog comes ENTIRELY from personal experience and nothing is EVER made up.)
We have sort of a "next-generation" artificial tree, which dismantles into three parts and has the lights attached. In theory, all you are supposed to have to do to assemble this tree is put the three parts into the main pole and the branches will just sort of fold down. The branches, however, do not appear to have gotten this message, maybe because they don't speak whatever language the directions are printed in, which, as near as I can figure out, is some dialect of Tagalog (an actual language not to be confused with the Girl Scout cookies called Tagalongs). This tree is in contrast to the old-fashioned type of artificial tree that I grew up with, where you put in each branch individually by matching the color on the tip of the branch to the color on the tree pole. Even a squirrel could assemble that kind of tree, provided he was not color blind.
But with the new tree, there is no simple way to tell in what order the three parts are intended to be inserted into the pole. You might think, as I did, that the big green button you step on to turn on the lights is probably attached to the bottom third of the tree. WRONG! The big green button belongs to the middle part of the tree. You might find this out only after struggling to put this part of the tree, which is about as easy to move as a wet polar bear, into the stand first, meticulously fluffing out each branch, and then realizing when you go to put the next part of the tree in that the pole does not match up with the part you have already put in. So you must start all over again.
When you finally have the three parts of the tree correctly installed, you will need to take a break. I recommend about a week, because as hard as that was, the next job is even harder. Now you must attempt to impose some sort of order on these branches that have been all cramped up for a year in a box, and look like it. You push and pull and twist to get one side looking perfect. After this effort -- which can take up to two days -- you step back and say, "Yes! This is the most perfect tree ever assembled." And then you move to another angle and scream in horror. On that side, the branches look as if they are practicing contortionism. So you will push and pull and twist the branches on that side to get it perfect, only to find that the first side is now all out of whack. Also, the tree never stands perfectly straight. Tilt it so that it is straight in one direction, and it will appear to be leaning from another direction. You can try having your spouse stand and hold it in one place, but this might get a little tiresome. For the spouse, I mean.
There is always one branch at the bottom that appears to be clinically depressed. It sags, droops, and otherwise refuses to hold itself up and join proudly with the rest of the branches ("I just don't feel like Christmas this year," it moans). Until they make some sort of medication for trees, I do not have any suggestions about fixing this, unless you can get your spouse to take a break from standing and holding the tree and instead lie under the tree and hold up the depressed branch.
In the meantime, needles are piling up all over the floor around your tree -- this is the only respect in which an artificial tree resembles a real one -- and are starting to migrate to other parts of the house, where eventually they will combine to create a full-grown evergreen in, say, your attic. This is actually good, because by the time Christmas is over there will not be enough needles left on the original tree to justify setting it up the following year. I think this is the real reason it is called a "next-generation" tree.
Next: "Wrapping" the tree
No comments:
Post a Comment