If movies were like real life

Joe is very moved by films that portray some real-life, uplifting incident, such as an inner-city coach helping his barely literate players transcend overwhelming odds to become state basketball champions, or a little boy from Illinois becoming a millionaire from his lemonade stand proceeds (in Joe's case this was not a real-life scenario, although he often dreamed of it becoming so). In the interest of protecting his manliness, I will not reveal his responses to these types of movies, other than to say that if you watch one with him, it's best to have an umbrella handy.

My favorite movies are ones in which pretty much nothing resembles real life. Someday, for instance, I hope to see a movie in which a male of our species can open a refrigerator, do an intelligent search of the contents, and actually find something without asking the female where it is. But perhaps the movie-going public is not quite ready for that, even as fantasy. Many males, I am sure, would be complaining, "Aw, c'mon, no one really does that!"

Joe does not favor these types of movies precisely because they do not portray what he knows of actual living. He bemoans, for instance, the typical lack of communication between men and women in movies. "If only they would talk," he says despairingly, "they wouldn't have all these problems!"

There also wouldn't be any story. If story lines followed all the relationship advice books, you might hear this when a movie couple is having a difference of opinion:

She: (cries hysterically and whaps the man over the head with a pillow)
He (while dodging the pillow): So, it seems you're upset with me.
She: Yes! (whap) Yes, I'm upset (whap) with you (whap)!
He: Whew! I'm so glad we worked this out!
They: (the pillow is forgotten as they kiss and make up)

And that would be the end of the movie. Good for the characters, boring for viewers.

On the other hand, many things in movies are much better than in real life. I remarked to Joe the other day that my sister's new cell phone is disposable.

"You mean refillable, right?" he said. "You add minutes to it; you don't just throw it away."

I shrugged. "In the movies, the bad guys always have them, and they throw them away." That was my sole experience with such phones.

"Well, of course the bad guys can afford to throw them away," he said.

He continued, musing, "Y'know, those phones always work on the first try for them. If I were to use one, it'd take me 10 tries just to get through, and even then I'd have a bad connection. 'You want me to kill who?' " he mimicked. He shook his head. "I'd get it all wrong, and then I'd be the one getting knocked off."

So maybe real life isn't so bad after all. Even if your lemonade stand doesn't make you rich.