We have a delightful culinary tradition here in Maryland. It is best appreciated by those who are native to the state, and after witnessing it recently, I am more proud than ever that I come from the midwest.
This tradition is known as "eating crabs," but could also be described as "making a disgusting mess, and paying a disgusting amount of money to do it." The general gist of it is that one applies a hammer to a dead crab, repeatedly and often with great force, in an attempt to make the crab give up whatever it is hiding in that little shell. Each crab being roughly the size of a full-grown cow's eyeball, there can't be too much in the way of meat hiding in it, but by the way people attack the crabs you'd think they were after the treasure of Tut-ankhamen. You'd get far better results, with much less effort, by banging a refrigerator against your head.
But then you would miss out on all the sensory experiences of eating crabs. During the typical crab feast, for instance, there is a great deal of ripping of crab body parts, cracking of shells, and crunching of teeth. You must wear protective gear, as at any time, without warning, an antenna could come sailing across the table and land on one of your body parts. It is also advisable to keep your drink well out of harm's way, by which I mean in the next room.
To be truly Maryland style, the crab must be adorned with Old Bay Seasoning, which, although billed as a hearty blend of spices, appears to the uninformed observer to be jarred mud. Sprinkled liberally on the crab, it gives the crustacean the appearance of being in its natural habitat, not unlike the appearance of those deceased persons about whom it is said "He looks so natural." There is a great emphasis in this society upon making things seem natural which are nothing of the kind, although it comforts us to think so.
Joe says, however, that I am ill qualified to judge the tradition of eating crabs. I eat frog legs, and to him that is more disgusting than just about anything. But at least I have never, in all my frog-leg-eating years, been responsible for any frog parts landing in someone else's water glass.
2 comments:
Truer words were never written! Shortly after I moved here (from the Midwest), I went out to dinner with my husband, who had lived in Maryland for many years. I will never forget my feeling of horror plus wonderment when the table adjacent to us was covered with paper, and cooked crabs were dumped in the middle directly on the paper. I have witnessed this scene many times since, and I am always filled with queasy awe watching people attack their dinner.
Holly,
That's hilarious, even though I love eating crab legs.
I especially liked the line about looking so natural. I told Paige that when I die, I want a tape recorder running in the casket at the visitation so that when people walk past (assuming anyone comes), they can hear me say, "Hello there! Thanks for coming! Don't I look natural?" For some reason, she thinks it's a little creepy.
Dave Stieglitz
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