A personal matter

I hesitate to approach today's topic, as it is somewhat graphic, but then that has never stopped me before. And this is really bugging me.

When I took this new job, I knew there would be a lot of adjustments. Actually having to produce work, for one thing. Working in Cubicle City, for another. Not being able to hold a private phone conversation, or even a private conversation with myself. Having co-workers sneak up on me when I am trying to address topics of a serious nature on this blog.

But as bothersome as all of that is, it is not what is really bugging me. I refer to the matter of sharing a multi-stall restroom with one's co-workers. I have never been in this situation before. Spoiled I may be, but my past jobs have all included single-user restroom facilities, which, while admittedly allowing for the possibility of public embarrassment after one exits, at least offer some privacy during Acts of Personal Emittance.

But multi-stall restrooms offer no such privacy. It is like being in a public restroom, only worse, because at least the people in public restrooms -- fellow shoppers, Disney-goers, what have you -- will most likely never see you again. But in a work setting, it is more than a little disconcerting to have your assistant, or your manager, or your manager's manager's manager be present during your Acts of Personal Emittance.

If you're extremely lucky, no one else will be in the restroom when you need to perform these Acts. In my limited experience, however, this is about as likely to happen as getting a raise after working only a week. Probably even less likely. And so some very difficult decisions must be made.

You might, for instance, proceed with your Acts in a manner of supreme indifference, in the belief that, as the popular book for toilet-training toddlers notes, "everyone poops" and that there should be no shame attached to it even when an entire office may be privy to it. At the other extreme, you might forego partaking of anything at work that might cause these Acts in the first place, which basically means no eating or drinking for several hours.

Or you might choose to pursue what is probably the most common course. This is the course wherein you attempt, with varying success, to time your Acts in accordance with a) another toilet being flushed, b) the water in the sink being turned on, c) the hand dryer going, or failing any of those, d) the emission of an extremely loud and prolonged cough -- all in an effort to disguise the fact that you are -- well, you know.

If all these efforts fail, the only way to salvage your shredded dignity is to wait until everyone has left the restroom before you venture out of the stall. When you do, it is best to adopt a manner of innocence, as if Personal Acts were the last thing on your mind at the moment, and make your escape quickly, without looking ashamed, before anyone else comes in and is able to associate you with that peculiar aroma in the air.

And change your shoes often, in case anyone might recognize them later from having seen them under the stall.