The cleaning pledge

Over the past month or so our house has incurred quite a bit of wreckage, what with all the items that are normally stored away suddenly deciding, on their own, to rearrange themselves, and various Christmas decorations lying around that we do not like and do not want to pack away again, but do not dare to give away for fear the givers will find out. We surveyed this damage and did what most reasonable home occupants do in such situations: We declared a state of emergency and waited for reinforcement troops to arrive. When none were forthcoming, we blamed FEMA and set to work on Plan B: Invite some guests over.

Inviting guests to one's home is a time-honored method of ensuring that one's home gets clean. Indeed, some individuals (known as "bachelors") use this as their sole method of housecleaning. It is important to remember, however, that one does not invite guests over in order to help clean the house. That would be rude, although it is becoming perfectly acceptable, in some circles, to invite guests over to help with certain chores, in the guise of "celebrating," such as decorating one's Christmas tree or even helping to paint a room ("Come help us celebrate our new home, every wall of which is Cumulus Cotton!"). If one chooses to ask guests to "celebrate" by helping with such tasks, one must be prepared at the end of the "celebration" to look for new friends.

But back to us. Every time we use Plan B, we always vow to henceforth start using Plan A, which is: Do not get the house messy enough to have to use Plan B. So far, this has happened only by accident. But now, having decided we kind of like being able to walk freely about the house with no fear of something springing out and grabbing us, we have prepared and posted, in the doorway to each room, our new Pledge to Live Like This All the Time. We now recite this pledge each time we enter a room:

I hereby pledge to defend, with my whole being, the right of this room to remain free from being overrun by clutter, "clutter" being defined as anything not nailed to the wall or floor. I will promptly and cheerfully restore any objects I remove to their rightful place, "rightful place" not being defined as "anywhere they happen to land." If I introduce anything new into a room (subject to spousal approval), I pledge to find a proper home for it and forbear from leaving it in the bag in which it was transported, thereby preventing a buildup and possible toxic, spontaneous combustion of plastic bags. I will promptly attend to mail, designating to my spouse's attention all such not marked "YOU HAVE WON!!" I will not assume that socks, underwear, and other necessities know their own way to the drawer, nor that shoes thrive best in open-air conditions, such as in the middle of the floor.

So far, we have experienced great success in keeping our pledge. We'll let you know how Day 2 is.

P.S. Joe would like everyone to know that the state of our house is really not that bad.