The importance of appearing healthy

At this time of year -- the Sharing of Germs Season -- we are bombarded with advice for staying healthy, staying hydrated, staying away from every living thing that might possibly be a transmitter of germs, etc. If you do get sick, of course, the most important thing to know is: Keep your co-workers from finding out that you are sick.

If you do not take proper precautions to keep your illness from becoming known to others in the office, you will become the company pariah. One little sniffle can ruin years of good standing with your co-workers. They will shun you. Ridicule you. Make doctor appointments for you and make sure that you keep them by hiring someone resembling Attila the Hun to take you there -- but not to bring you back. Oh, yes, they will periodically ask how you are doing. But do not be fooled into thinking that this is because they are concerned with your well-being. They are concerned with one thing, and one thing only: making sure that whatever happens in your workspace, in terms of germ development, stays in your workspace. Toward this effort, your desk, your cubicle -- even likely your own person -- will periodically be sprayed with germ sanitizer, possibly by fellow employees whom you do not even know.

Infecting your co-workers with an illness is the worst possible office offense you could commit, next to taking someone else's lunch from the communal refrigerator (this is punishable by death, but only after the injured party has had an opportunity to torture you by force-feeding you his or her child's peanut butter and banana and string cheese sandwich).

Do not take comfort in the thought that your co-workers will eventually forgive you for getting them sick -- or for the possibility of getting them sick -- or even that they will forget the incident. Years later, whenever the subject of office illness comes up, someone is bound to say gravely, "Yeah, what about the season of '01-'02? Remember how Simpson got us all sick with the plague?" And everyone -- even employees who lived several states away at the time and had never heard of your company -- will glare in your direction.

The only possible way to atone for the grievous transgression of infecting your co-workers is (a) for someone else to come along with an even worse illness and to infect everyone, which will at least temporarily take the spotlight off you, or (b) to die of your illness, which will not make anyone forget that you got them sick, but at least will make them eventually forget you: "Yeah, remember back in '01-'02, that what-was-his name -- Sanford, Samson -- got us all sick? I forget whatever happened to him. Probably infecting some other poor saps somewhere else."

With these thoughts in mind, deal with your illness symptoms wisely at work. Cough discreetly, if at all. Blow your nose in a secluded, remote location where no one can hear you, preferably northern Canada. Above all, douse yourself in germ sanitizer before leaving for work. Better to have your co-workers think you have a serious drinking problem than for them to suspect the truth.