Game time

We have discovered two exciting board games for you and your family to enjoy, provided you and your family (a) hang out on the low reaches of the social totem pole or (b) display psychopathic tendencies.

The first game, as you will see, bears a slight resemblance to The Game of Life, which no doubt many of you are familiar with. The object of that game, of course, is to avoid the poorhouse by racking up as much money as possible, aided by your many tax deductions in the form of little plastic pink and blue children.

However, The Game of Life has now been taken to a whole new level. Unfortunately, this level is not up. I refer to The Game of Redneck Life, in which "the player with the most teeth remaining wins." But lest you think this is a game for losers, let me assure you that you have the opportunity to pursue 11 challenging careers in this game, including Monster Truck Announcer and Mullet Salon Operator. I personally feel cheated that my high school offered no preparation for becoming a Mullet Salon Operator. In fact, my high school didn't even teach us what that meant.

There are many other charming features to The Game of Redneck Life. Having trouble deciding how much education to pursue? No problem! A simple roll of two dice decides for you. You are thus assured of finishing at least 7th grade, which is fortunate, because a 7th-grade diploma is a must for becoming a Mullet Salon Operator.

Like the middle-class game of Life, The Game of Redneck Life allows players to marry and acquire children. But in Redneck Land this process may occur more than once, as long as you get unmarried first before marrying again (a rule that may seem unnecessarily restrictive to some). And if you have acquired (through no fault of your own, of course) too many kids, and you need more time to watch TV -- and who doesn't these days? -- you can simply parcel your kids out to the other players. Ah, sweet redneck life.

But this life is not all a bed of roses and TV. Brawls are a frequent occurrence throughout the game, and a consequence of participation is losing some of your teeth. This is bad, not only because you can lose your Mullet Salon Operator's license if you don't have at least a majority of your own teeth, but you could also lose the game. But take heart! You can buy back your teeth, and there appears to be no limit on how many you can buy back, so, although I haven't checked into this too closely, it appears possible to end the game with more than when you started. This is a benefit to the game that, for some reason, the manufacturers do not even mention.

If the Game of Redneck Life seems a little too tame for you, you might want to check out our second find: Run for Your Life, Candyman! This game is based on another popular game, Candy Land, which Wikipedia notes is a favorite first game for children because "it requires no ability to read and only minimal counting skills." This is also, by the way, the reason it is a favorite among many adults, although Wikipedia does not say that.

The main requirement for playing Candyman seems to be a willingness -- even eagerness -- to rip limbs from your opponents. Although this sounds harsh, scientific studies show that most adults, after being forced to play Candy Land 186 times in a row with their preschooler, are ready to pull apart anyone's limbs. Candyman is the perfect antidote, being, according to the box, a game for "2 to 6 mean-spirited players."

The rules for Candyman are complicated, so for simplicity's sake I have condensed them here into two parts:

1. You, playing a gingerbread figure, symbolically -- this is important -- bash other players' gingerbread figures, systematically knocking off their body parts.
2. They symbolically return the favor.

It is important to keep in mind that this bashing is symbolic, accomplished by drawing certain cards, and not actual. Forgetting this little detail may land you in quite a different type of finish line.

It is possible, even likely, to win Candyman having, say, only an arm left, although strategically it would be better to have a leg left, because this would make it easier to hop across the finish line. You might be better off playing Redneck Life, where at least you can only lose your teeth.