How's the weather?

We are fresh from our visit to Michigan, where the weather this time of year -- let us not kid ourselves, any time of year -- is determined by a complex game of Weather Roulette. In a secret location there resides a giant weather wheel with sections labeled Snow; Rain; More Snow; Still More Snow; Freezing Rain Alternating with Balmy Hawaiian Breezes; Surprise Me; Absolutely No Weather At All; Maintain the Current Weather for 1,839 Consecutive Days or Until the State Economy Improves, Whichever Comes First; etc.

Despite official reports that the weather wheel is controlled by meteorologists with Ph.D.s, the job is often sublet to a group of toddlers, or possibly miniature schnauzers, no one is really sure which, including the meteorologists. Ideally the wheel is spun once per day, but since toddlers are not known for adhering to rules -- and no one knows how to explain the rules to schnauzers -- they spin the wheel whenever they feel like it, which is about every 3 nanoseconds. This causes Michigan's weather to swing wildly back and forth from, say, Still More Snow to Still More Snow.

Due to complaints about the cloudy, gloomy weather that often plagues the state, an effort was made to add a small sliver to the weather wheel labeled Sun, but those responsible for this effort were accused and found guilty of tampering with nature and attempting to clone Hawaii. All efforts to add additional sunshine to the state were subsequently dropped. In other news related to the weather wheel, legal proceedings have been instituted to remove the Surprise Me section from the wheel, given that Michiganders are no longer surprised by anything that descends from the heavens. This includes money, which they figure to be a trick of the automakers to get people to start buying cars again.

In an attempt to somewhat stabilize the weather in the state, efforts have been undertaken to ascertain the secret location of the weather wheel and the toddlers responsible for spinning it. Unfortunately, they are protected by those in the highest reaches of government, which is the real reason behind the mayor of Detroit's arrest last year. Michigan residents, angered by his refusal to disclose where they reside, took away his Lincoln Navigator and his Cadillac Escalade and sentenced him to life on the assembly line at Hyundai, where at last report he was attempting to unionize other workers.

Potential visitors to the state of Michigan are advised to plan accordingly for the weather, which is to say they should plan to travel elsewhere. That is, unless they can prove that they know where the weather wheel is kept, in which case they will receive the great honor of being made the next mayor.