The Branch Manager is coming

It's that time of year, according to a brochure we found on our doorknob one day, for the local electric company to make its rounds of the neighborhood. The purpose is to hunt for any trees that pose a risk to our electrical safety, and to deal with these trees in no uncertain manner by hacking them to pieces, even if they are miles from any electrical wires. This method not only assures our continued safety and uninterrupted electrical service, it also serves as a warning to other trees contemplating messing with any wires. "Man, did you see what happened to Lenny?" come the whispers after the "Branch Manager" (as he is called in the brochure) has come through, wielding his merciless saw.

There is a picture of the Branch Manager on the front of the brochure. Around his waist is an assortment of tree-trimming tools, including a chain saw that is in the correct "down" position for safety purposes, except that it is pointing directly at his right foot. He is holding a large branch that he has apparently recently conquered with his assortment of tools. He is wearing a helmet, from which emerges on either side what are, no doubt, earphones, although they appear to be immature antler buds. The overall effect leaves one to wonder whether this is really a person, or some fantastic woodland creature.

The brochure explains, in some depth, what exactly will occur on Cutting Day (known in the tree community as DD Day, or Death and Destruction Day). It explains this in some depth because the company knows that, after Cutting Day, it will begin to hear from irate homeowners whose trees, which they have spent hundreds of hours nurturing and which have, perhaps, been on the property for generations and are considered close relatives of the family, now resemble a head of hair that has been operated on by a toddler with blunt scissors. The brochure therefore attempts to justify the company's actions, using thought-provoking questions such as "Do you know what 160 million volts can do to you?" in an attempt to make people fearful of their own trees and therefore more agreeable to drastic measures.

According to the brochure, all wood over 8 inches will be left on the property for the owners' "personal use." This is presented as an altruistic gesture, a gift from the electric company to you, the owner, when in fact only .00003 percent of owners have any personal use for such wood, and must undertake, at their own expense and effort, its removal. No doubt some owners will exercise their "personal use" by employing the leftover wood as a means of whacking their Branch Manager, or some other representative of the electric company, on some part of their person not protected by a helmet.

The brochure also acknowledges that the way the trees are to be pruned may change their shape, and that, in some instances -- by which they mean ALL instances -- owners may not like the way they look. The brochure also hastens to say, however, that the pruning methods employed conform to industry standards, which can be roughly translated to "When in doubt, take it out."

To help owners understand the different types of pruning that may be utilized, the brochure contains several drawings of trees that have undergone different types of cuts. Due to government standards of decency, however, the pictures cannot show graphic representations of gaping knots where branches have been whacked off, and so the trees in the drawings look like happy little clumps of broccoli, perhaps a little misshapen but otherwise whole. This is far from what the trees in your yard will look like once the Branch Manager has done his work.

After inspecting these drawings, Joe mused that perhaps our own tree might receive a "V" pruning due to several wires running right through it. "Maybe they'll cut down our dead branches," he said hopefully.

"I doubt it," I said. All electric companies have a strict policy of cutting only branches that are perfectly healthy, ones that without human intervention would live to a ripe old age and delight generations of residents.

I have been trying to prepare our tree for what's coming, assuring it that I will not let any unnecessary harm come to it. But of course these are just empty promises. There is no resistance against the Branch Manager.