Please have a rice cake

With our move at work a few months ago with a small portion of the staff, there has been a significant drop-off in the number of treats brought in by co-workers for general consumption. In the main building, where most employees remain -- no doubt heartsick over our departure -- such items appear regularly in the eating area, and are not restricted to morning hours. If a particular snack disappears early in the day, something else mysteriously arrives later to take its place, as if depriving the workforce of treats for even a few hours might cause a an enraged rampage, like wild animals bereft of their prey.

In the new building, although we certainly talk about food a great deal, not much has been forthcoming in the way of treats mysteriously appearing in the kitchen. When someone does bring something in, we have been forced, by the fear of certain parties hostile to heavily caloric treats, to take elaborate measures to hide them.

Recently, for instance, it was proposed that donuts be brought in. It was felt that the donuts should be restricted to our own department, so as to avoid any censure by these certain hostile parties, and consequently a hiding place was chosen for the donuts, known only to those who are friendly to heavily caloric foods. This elaborate ruse in no way had anything to do with our unwillingness to share our bounty, although certainly we were happy to have more donuts to ourselves.

It was further suggested that, to avoid any chance of our donuts becoming discovered -- and perhaps confiscated, in the name of "health" -- by hostile parties, we should devise a code word to use when referring to them. After some discussion, it was felt that "rice cakes" would be an adequate substitution, and could be used thus in conversation:

"The rice cakes are here."
"Can I get you a rice cake?"
"Do you need some help finishing off those rice cakes?"
"Mmmm, delicious rice cakes!"

This way, if any parties hostile to donuts were to overhear us, they would experience a measure of satisfaction that finally, to all appearances at least, we were heeding the words of wisdom and learning to eat sensibly, and they would forgo chastising us for our unhealthy lifestyle choices.

This plan worked beautifully, with none the wiser at our deception, and the rice cakes were thoroughly enjoyed by all. At least all who knew of their existence.

But only a few short days later a most decadent birthday cake was brought in for one employee, and all pretense at hiding it was abandoned. We freely displayed, devoured, and sang the praises of this cake, with no reference to rice cakes or anything else remotely healthy. And as the birthday person was turning an age of which she was not proud, and insisted that she did not wish us to sing "Happy Birthday" because it was NOT a happy birthday, we therefore heartily sang "Adequate Birthday to You" instead, which no doubt cheered her immensely.

And the rest of us are cheered by the thought of, sometime in the future, more rice cakes.