We will now hear all sides

As the traditional "heart and soul" of the home, the female generally entertains innocent thoughts of being the sole decorator of the home, arranging it in accordance with her own tastes, which are of course sanctioned by 125 of her closest friends, with whom she confers daily when faced with a Home Decorating Decision. She is led to believe that the male of the house, although helpful in many areas pertaining to daily living, has no desire to be involved in decisions regarding the outfitting of the home and thus has no opinion to express on such decisions.

This is a lie.

Somewhere around 1987 there was inserted into the the Marital Book of Rules, unbeknownst to most women, a clause that gives men the right to not only have an opinion about the decorating of the home, but also to freely express that opinion, through such enlightened statements as "What the heck would you choose that color for?"

As a direct consequence of this policy, parts of our home have remained unpainted for the last three years because we cannot agree on a color. This situation has progressed to the point that we may have to take drastic action, such as my waiting until Joe is gone sometime and painting whatever color I want. Just kidding! But an equally drastic action presents itself: attending Color Mediation, wherein a neutral party hears the petition of each side and then makes a binding, non-negotiable decision that the couple must paint their home whatever the female wants it to be. Just kidding again! Sort of.

Color Mediation proceeds something like this:

Mediator: Now, Mr. & Mrs. B, I understand you are having some disagreement over the choice of paint color to use in your family room. Mrs. B, let's start with your opinion on the issue.

Mrs. B: Well, since we live in a historic house, I prefer neutral, classic, historic colors.

Mediator: Such as?

Mrs. B: Oh, Court House Reddish Brown is attractive...or the Wetherburn's Tavern Bisque. Something along those lines.

Mediator: I see. So, Mr. B, your wife prefers neutral, historic --

Mr. B: You mean boring.

Mediator (sternly): All parties will refrain from offering judgmental comments!

(Mrs. B glances primly at Mr. B.)

Mediator: Now, Mr. B, please tell us your own color preferences.

Mr. B: I want something FUN.

Mediator: Such as?

Mr. B: Yellow. Blue. Or yellow. Or blue.

Mrs. B: How about River Mud? That's fun.

(Mr. B refrains from offering another judgmental comment.)

Mediator (clearing his throat): Uh, Mrs. B, possibly River Mud may not be universally considered a fun color. Can you offer another example of a historic color you would accept, but which might also fall into the fun category?

Mrs. B (in thought for some time): Well, I guess I wouldn't mind George Pitt House Caramel.

Mr. B: See, that's how she tries to confuse me. She tells me she's gonna paint the bathroom "Cinnamon" or "Caramel," and all of a sudden the bathroom is brown. That's all she likes! Brown, brown, boring brown.

Mrs. B (primly): I am perfectly willing to compromise.

Mediator: And what would you consider a compromise, Mrs. B?

Mrs. B: Well, instead of historic colors, I could go with food-themed colors, like maybe Shaved Chocolate, Double Chocolate, Iced Espresso, Caramel Sauce, Double Oreo-Whipped Cream-Chocolate Shavings...

Mediator: Mr. B?

Mr. B (moaning): Brown! Brown! They're all brown!

Mediator: So you are against the food theme?

Mr. B: I like food. But why can't we have something more like Banana Cream Pie-Fluffy Whipped Cream?

Mediator: Mrs. B?

Mrs. B (in thought again): I guess I could go with that...as long as we could top it off with some Shaved Chocolate and Caramel Sauce...

Mr. B (runs from the room): Noooooooooo...

Sadly, not all sessions of Color Mediation end well. And don't even ask about Wallpaper Mediation.