Quilt haggling

The Resident Efficiency Expert in our house decreed a vital need for a new summer quilt for the bed. He came to this conclusion based on very detailed, scientific calculations, performed while watching me nightly remove our existing heavy, winter comforter from the bed and arrange it neatly on the bench at the foot of the bed, out of the way.

"That takes too long," was his scientific analysis. The time could be better spent, he declared, in sleeping.

It is hard to argue with an Efficiency Expert, especially when his calculations include more sleep time. We therefore determined to find a lighter bed covering that we could leave on the bed at all times.

And so we set off in search of the quintessential American bed covering, the quilt, imagining ourselves to be pioneers of old, hunkering down under a handmade heirloom. Not that we would actually make the quilt, of course. This would violate Efficiency standards, particularly because my own skills are severely challenged by merely sewing a button.

Our vision of early American nirvana lasted until we pioneers encountered the distinctly modern prices that quilts command these days. We very nearly gave up on our dream, but the reality of my vastly inefficient bedspread-removal ritual each night spurred us on.

At length, in the heart of Amish country, we located a quilt that carried a more reasonable, if not exactly modest, price tag. The Efficiency Expert, being also the Cost-Effectiveness Expert, determined to bring the price down even further through the process of Haggling, in which he also holds Expert status.

He has haggled with the toughest sellers and come out on top. The gatekeeper to our quilt was a sweet, older Amish woman. No problem.

He began with the standard Haggle question: "Can you do any better on that quilt?"

But the sweet, older Amish woman looked at him as if he were daft. "You won't find cheaper! Do ye know how much work goes into these?"

Of course we did not. But we did when she was through telling us.

The Cost-Effectiveness Expert quickly calculated that the quilts were bringing only a dollar or two for each hour of labor. Suddenly it seemed un-American not to buy one at full price.

"Okay, we'll take it," he said to the sweet, older Amish woman.

Or, as we now affectionately refer to her, the tough old bird.