Staying cool

Today, for lack of any interesting goings-on about which to write, we bring you a public service piece on How to Deal with Summer Now that It Is Finally Here. Here in the East, instead of the typical progression of spring and summer months this year -- April, May, June, July, August, August, August -- we have experienced something more like April, March, May, October, July, June, April. But now summer has finally arrived, and it is expected to last exactly: 53 hours.

For those 53 hours, and for those of you in other locations facing a heat advisory ("Be advised that the heat will be very hot today"), here are some tips to help you stay cool and safe. First, some definitions are in order to help you understand heat.

Heat Wave: The "wave" done under extreme temperatures. This can be very dangerous, because it is difficult to tell the difference between the wave done for entertainment and one meaning "Help! Water! We're dying of heat exhaustion!"

Heat exhaustion: A condition caused by overheating, often due to working too hard in extreme temperatures. The treatment, of course, is to avoid any work or exercise when the temperature exceeds, say, 72 degrees. Victims should lie inert in a quiet place. Cats are excellent at simulating heat exhaustion.

Heat stroke: A more serious condition than heat exhaustion. Victims can be treated with a cold bath or sponge. They should not, however, be tossed directly into a freezing pool or other body of water, for the obvious reason that if they survive this treatment, you will be in big trouble, as they will remember everything that happened and may not be appropriately thankful for your actions on their behalf.

Now that we have a full understanding of the dangers of high heat exposure, let's review how to avoid these problems.

1. Avoid strenuous work, especially during the peak hours of 6 a.m. to 9 p.m. This means, of course, that you should not attempt to go to work, as the typical workday is way too exertion-filled. Just opening the garage door and getting into you car can trigger a serious heat-related condition. Your boss will fully understand the situation.

2. Also avoid exercising during peak times, which are more extensive than for general work, with the result that you should exercise only on hot days from about 10:09 p.m. to 10:17 p.m. Of course, if your normal exercise routine involves no exercise, this is not the time to change that. There are always hard-core fitness fanatics who insist on jogging, biking, or hang-gliding even when it is baking outside. If you should see such individuals, remember that they are trying to impress everyone with their dedication. You should thus feel free to explain the dangers they are facing by yelling something like "You dummy! You're not impressing ME!" as they go by.

3. Remain indoors and in the air conditioning as much as possible. If you do not have air conditioning, go somewhere that does, such as a local movie theater, the mall, etc., and stay there for several hours. Again, your boss will understand.

4. Drink plenty of water and also be sure to eat several small meals, all of which should preferably involve large quantities of chocolate, because it will make you thirsty and more water is good for you.

Just follow these reminders, and you will easily breeze through these hot days. And remember, this will all look better in January.