The Hero and I are singlehandedly keeping the makers of Excedrin Migraine, Extra-Strength Tylenol, Mega-Super-Duper-Industrial Advil, etc., in business and making considerable profits. This stems from the fact that as intelligent, college-educated homeowners, we are unable to comprehend our Annual Escrow Account Statement without repeatedly requesting assistance from our lender's Customer Service Representatives.
We cannot reprint here the entirety of our most recent telephone conversation with one of these representatives -- doing so would crash this computer -- but here is the gist of it:
"Wanda," Service Rep: How may I help you today?
Us: Uh, we don't understand our escrow statement.
Wanda: Certainly, I can help you with that. What part specifically?
Us: All of it.
Wanda: [a loud sigh is heard, along with the rattling of a bottle of medication]
Us: Uh, hello?
Wanda: Yes, yes, please go ahead.
Us: Well, what we want to know is, why does our escrow always show a shortage that we have to "make up"? What are you people doing with our money?
Wanda: Most likely this is due to your property taxes or your homeowner's insurance going up. Or both.
Us: OK, but the numbers don't add up. WE figure our increase to be only $137 a year, but YOU guys show it to be $10,863.
Wanda: It's basically the same thing.
Us: Huh?
Wanda: See, if you take the annual minimum balance minus the annual maximum curbage and multiply it by the average number of tons an elephant can lift during its lifetime, you get our answer. So we're right.
Us [scratching our heads]: We still don't see it.
Wanda: I'm referring to an AFRICAN elephant.
Us: Oh! Well, we assumed you meant an ASIAN elephant.
Wanda [generously]: A common mistake. But actually we always use African elephant statistics for our comparisons.
Us: Whew! We're glad that's cleared up.
Wanda: Great!AnythingelseIcanhelpyouwithtoday?No?Great.Wellthanksforcall--
Us: Actually, we do have another question.
Wanda [with another loud sigh]: Of course.
Us: So why, if we pay this lump sum of $10,863 now, does our monthly payment still go up by 7 million rupees?
Wanda: [Gives some unintelligible answer, probably expressing her desire to retire from Customer Service and purchase a houseboat.]
Us: Huh?
Wanda: Well, you see --
[Here, for approximately 46 minutes, we basically ask the same question, in different ways, and Wanda basically gives us the same answer, also in different ways.]
Wanda [wearily]: Have I answered all your questions? I'd like to go home now.
Us [still confused, but resigned to our confusion]: Uh, if we could just ask one more thing...
Wanda: Yes?
Us: About this charge on our escrow statement of $26,783 for Excedrin Migraine...
1 comment:
Another GEM of a blog!
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