Vitamins: Present and future

During our Christmas visit to family, a Male Relative took the Hero aside. "Here," he said, handing the Hero a bottle of pills. "I can't use these. But I thought maybe you could."


"These" were multipurpose vitamins that the Relative hadn't noticed were for "Adults under 50." He had meant to buy the "Men over 50" formula.


Thanking him, the Hero brought the vitamins home and suggested I use them too.


"Sorry," I said, "I have to use the 'Women under 50' formula."


What would happen if I took his instead? he wanted to know.


I wasn't sure, but clearly, judging from the vast array of vitamins now available, I should take no chances on something as generic as "Adults under 50." I needed a more specific formula -- one for individuals of my gender, age group, level of fitness, hair color, eye color, handedness (leftie or rightie?), etc.


Today's "multipurpose" vitamins have evolved into "specific purpose" vitamins, even though they are still called multipurpose. (Similarly, "all-purpose flour" is not so all-purpose, as a Female Relative found out when she tried using it as a substitute for cake flour. "Why do they call it all-purpose if you can't use if for all purposes?" she said.)


But as for the vitamins, not to worry. Vitamin makers have things well in hand, and they have a product for whoever you are and whatever you need. Has your skin lost its lustre? Try the "healthy skin support" formula. Pregnant? Menopausal? A teen? They've got you covered. A pregnant menopausal teen? Well, give them time; I'm sure they'll come up with something.


There's also an "active mind and body" version for people whose active lifestyle requires some extra support from their daily supplement. In other words, for people NOT like me. 


Thankfully, they didn't forget people like me. For us, there is a "Couch Potato/Lazy Bum" vitamin. Just kidding! But maybe we could use the "Energy" formula, specifically formulated to boost our synapses and neurons with things like ginseng, guarana, and -- in case those don't do anything for us -- plain old caffeine.


But maybe it's not enough to have vitamins for kids, teens, adults under 50, and adults over 50. Maybe companies could concoct mixtures for 29 and Holding, Adults in their Second Career, Adults in their Second Childhood, Seniors + + (over 100), Senior Galapagos Tortoises (over 150), Senior Mice (over 10 days), or Senior Houseflies (over 10 minutes).


In time, I'm sure the companies will figure out how to add even more specifics to vitamin formulas. Vitamins could then be ordered individually, like coffee: Senior post-menopausal female African-Americano couch potato introvert, with whipped cream.


Please make sure mine includes chocolate.