Seat belt insanity

Strictly for fun, I have been researching seat belt laws in various states. (We book editors know how to live it up on AND off the job.) 


Laws regarding the usage of seat belts have been getting stricter and stricter, perhaps because it has been difficult to get people to wear them voluntarily. Seat belts have long suffered from an image of uncoolness, particularly among young people. It is WAY more cool to be bodily ejected from a vehicle during a mishap than to wear a seat belt and perhaps remain in the vehicle.


Seat belt laws have become so restrictive that now in many states, seat belts must be fastened at all times, even when the car is sitting in a junk heap and is likely to remain there for the duration of its natural life.


Most seat belt laws have to do with some sort of height and weight or age requirement. For example, historically, infants under a year old have had to ride in a rear-facing car seat in the back seat because this position is safer for Little Persons with Large Heads that Tend to Wobble a Lot. (Also because babies, like seat belts, are getting more sophisticated, and could probably figure out pretty quickly how to drive the car if they were allowed to face forward in the front seat.)


But many Little Persons are not happy with this arrangement, because they get bored looking at the same small patch of leather or fabric while riding in the car. A Relative of ours, when he was a Tiny Person, considered his incarceration in a rear-facing car seat to be a peculiar form of torture, and emitted sounds consistent with that belief. For Tiny Persons like this, the first birthday is something to be cheered, because on that magical date they are released from the bondage of facing backward and allowed to graduate to a forward-facing car seat, although they still have to be trussed up like a turkey in it. Such occasions sometimes bring on large celebrations rivaling royal weddings.


But according to a body of medical professionals, these celebrations are occurring WAYYYY too soon. Kids should not actually sit in a forward-facing car seat, experts say, until they are legally old enough to get married, and even then it's safer if they wait until after they've had their first mammogram or prostate exam. We suspect that these "medical professionals" are in actuality former driver's ed instructors, who remain so traumatized by their experiences that they themselves will never travel by car again and are determined to see that no one else does, either.


Once kids have gained the freedom to face forward in the back seat, it is recommended that they stay in the back seat until they are Medicare-eligible or weigh 367 pounds, whichever comes first. This could very well explain America's consistent upward trend toward obesity. Think about it. First one to 367 pounds gets the car keys!


To make matters worse, seat belt laws vary greatly by state. If you are planning a road trip that will take you through several states, you would do well to research ahead of time the seat belt laws in those states, particularly if you are traveling with children (or adults less than 367 pounds). Such research will inevitably lead to some much-needed discussions on vehicle-related safety:


Husband: I think we're going to have to get Junior a new booster seat before our trip.


Wife: But why? Junior's 14.


Husband: He's under 6 feet tall. Legally in State A, he has to be in a booster seat.


Wife: Hey, I'M under 6 feet.


Husband (muttering): Great. Now we have to get TWO booster seats.


Wife: Maybe we can just avoid that state.


Husband: Well, we could go through State B, but then we'd have to leave the baby home.


Wife: What??


Husband: Legally in State B, kids under 2 can only travel in armored tanks.


Wife (sighing heavily): Maybe we should just camp out in the back yard this year.


Husband: Fine. But the tent will have to have bulletproof sides.


Of course, all these rules and guidelines are meant to keep drivers and passengers and pedestrians safer, though we doubt they will do much for driver's ed instructors. And now, if you will excuse me, this book editor is dying to find out more about laws governing the keeping of alligators and camels in one's bathtub. Yes, they do exist.