Audiobooks, revisited

I know I have spoken harshly in the past about audiobooks that attempt to teach you something, as opposed to books that aim to wipe away every last vestige of brain matter you may possess. I much prefer the latter. But lately I've come close to reconsidering my position on this. Nonfiction audiobooks can actually offer several benefits.

First, they give you something to talk about with your spouse at dinner. It is well known that the number one cause of lack of communication among spouses is not listening to "intelligent" audiobooks. If the most exciting dinner conversation you have is whether to put more salt on the vegetables, imagine how that conversation can be transformed when you have spent your commute listening to a riveting account of how mold grows!

When I was listening to The Mayflower -- a book I highly recommend whenever you have approximately 3500 hours of listening time available -- the story was often the centerpiece of our dinner conversations. We would barely sit down before I'd blurt out, "Guess what? Squanto died!"

And this would unleash a flurry of discussion over whether Squanto, held up to generations of schoolchildren as the "friend of the Pilgrims," died of natural causes -- as is generally assumed by the non-audiobook-listening public -- or whether things were a little more sinister than that, as maintained by the conspiracy groupees, who are never happy when someone dies of natural causes.

The people in this story became like part of the family during the time I was listening to it. It was the first thing Joe would ask about when he came home from work. "Hi, honey, how's William Bradford doing? He sure got a wallop on the head from Mrs. B's second-best iron skillet!" Of course, watching a lame TV show like Lost will accomplish the same thing. During past seasons of this show I have felt like the characters were living with us. Only when they died, it was never from natural causes.

The second benefit of audiobooks is that they give you something to talk about at the hair salon, in the post office line, at the dentist's office -- basically, wherever you have to wait and want to help speed things up a bit. After five minutes of spouting Mayflower trivia, I guarantee that you will be ushered to the front of the line so people can be rid of you.

Third, it makes you feel pretty good to know something about the world, even if it's something that happened 300 years ago. Plus, when someone asks "Are you smarter than a fifth-grader?" you can answer "yes" and back it up with proof: "Does a fifth-grader know that the Pilgrims were actually trying to find Manhattan and accidentally landed at Plymouth instead? Of course not! They don't have audiobooks in schools! If they did, those kids might learn something worth knowing!"

So I heartily recommend "intelligent" audiobooks. Someday, I may even listen to another one.