Toys, good and otherwise

My sister came to visit this weekend, as she often does when there are no better offers. We had a lot of things on our to-do list, like hanging pictures, painting the bathroom, and cleaning out the basement. It was a very ambitious list and the two of us, together, could accomplish a lot on it. So, naturally, we went shopping instead.

At one store I happened upon the PERFECT Christmas gift for the great-nieces and nephews on my side of the family. As you are no doubt aware, the only thing better than finding the perfect Christmas gift for someone is finding it in October. This never happens to me, perhaps because I do not generally start my shopping until after Christmas. But because I was not looking for gifts, of course I found them.

It was such a great find that I immediately rushed to show my sister. "Nyah, nyah," I sang when I found her. "I'm gonna be the favorite aunt-ie!"

Her face went pale, even though she knows there is no way in the world she can be toppled from her status of Favorite Aunt (of the Whole World, Not Just Family). She did, however, agree that with this toy, I could considerably raise my own status, which is currently Who Are You, Again?

In case any of the children's parents are reading this, this toy is a chicken that does the chicken dance, complete with off-key singing. But the BEST part is that when the chicken crosses the line (or the road) (sorry) from amusing to annoying, instead of simply shutting it off, your sweet, innocent children can put their chubby little hands around the chicken's neck and squeeze for all they're worth. This immediately induces the chicken to start fighting for its life, thrashing around, making pathetic squawking noises, flapping it wings violently, etc. Isn't that great?! This toy could change your child's whole career outlook, inspiring him or her to become a butcher!

Of course I am just kidding. I would never get such a mind-sucking, violence-inducing toy for a child. Or for my husband, for that matter. There's no telling what he would do with it.

Once, for instance, Joe and I were in a mall (Yes, I got him into a shopping mall. But just once) and walked past this display where a kid about 16 years old (who turned out to be the salesman) was maneuvering some sort of flying contraption. It narrowly missed the heads of several shoppers, including ours. I guess that was how he tried to get people's attention.

It got Joe's attention, all right. Before my eyes, he turned from a 30-something-old guy on the brink of marriage to a 10-year-old struck with infatuation over a toy helicopter. It could hover, fly straight up and down, and do other sorts of fascinating things (if you are a guy). It was without a doubt the coolest toy he'd seen since parting ways with his GI Joe action figures some decades earlier. The kid, seeing Joe's obvious interest (drool puddling on his shirt, etc.), offered him the controls. I glared at the kid and tugged on Joe, which is the universal command for "Let's get out of here!" This had about as much effect as asking a two-year-old if he wants to stop playing with his favorite trains to go potty.

I could see this toy ending up on our wedding registry, amidst the Addison dinner plates and Monet wine goblets. Absolutely useless flying thing, 1. Please ship directly to groom's residence, immediately.

In the end, it was Joe's reluctance to spend money on the thing that got us out of there without the toy. But all the way through the mall -- and for some time afterward -- it was all he talked about. The beautiful Christmas decorations impressed him not a bit. Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Great Pumpkin could have all walked right past him together and he would not have noticed. He was too busy planning how, IF he were to get this toy, he could mount it on some sort of track around the ceiling and actually make it useful by making it into a conveyor and having it fetch things for us. I thought that's what HE was for, but obviously I didn't know much of anything at that point.

So, yes, parents of children we buy gifts for, I realize the importance of choosing wisely when it comes to toys. That's why, this Christmas, everyone will be getting the Librarian Action Figure, with AMAZING Shushing Action! At least it might bring a little quiet to your home.

Tell us what toy from your childhood -- or belonging to your child -- stands out in your mind, fun or otherwise! What toy do you wish you or your child had never laid eyes on? Where can I get it for your child for Christmas?? (Just kidding on that last one.)