Rx for disaster

I had a talk with my physician's assistant the other day about caffeine. Specifically, his belief that I was having too much of it.

"You should talk to my husband," I said.

"Why? Is he having racing pulse and chest pains, too?" he asked.

"No," I said. "But he has far more caffeine than I do." I was like a sibling who didn't want to get in trouble alone.

"Well, it affects everyone differently," he said. "If your husband isn't having any adverse effects, he's probably okay."

I sighed. Obviously he wasn't on my side here.

"How do you know my symptoms aren't from broccoli or something like that? Housework? Maybe I'm overworking my body doing too much laundry," I said hopefully.

He ignored that and asked if I eat chocolate.

"Oh, every now and then," I said vaguely.

But medical people, like mothers, can tell when you're not being absolutely truthful. A little warning bell goes off in their head, reminding them of something they learned in med school. In this case, the warning was "If a female patient does not admit to drowning herself in vats of chocolate several times a day, and more when she is stressed, she is lying."

" 'Every now and then,' " the PA repeated. When he said it, it sounded like a downright lie.

I nodded innocently. I wanted to bring up the fact that chocolate is now considered good for you. He would know that if he read the papers. And that caffeine, in moderation, is not so bad either. But of course the "good" kind of chocolate is so bitter a starving monkey wouldn't touch it, so I kept quiet.

"Well, stay away from soda and caffeine pills," he said. "And I'd cut back on that chocolate 'every now and then,' " he added dryly.

With all the paperwork they make you sign at the doctor's, it's a good thing you don't have to sign their treatment recommendations.