You are probably wondering what there is to see and do in Boston besides riding defunct trolleys and staying at bilingual lodging facilities. Frankly, not much. Just kidding! Of course there are many wonderful things to do there. Here is a suggested itinerary, suggested by Paul Revere, one of Boston's most famous residents, who went out one evening to warn the colonists of the British approach but ended up missing all the action because he stopped at Dunkin' Donuts.
First, there is a Freedom Trail that winds through the city and passes by many of the historic sights, such as Paul Revere's house and his favorite donut stop. The trolleys roughly follow the path of this Freedom Trail, but to get the full effect you really should walk it. There is something about following a little brick trail in the sidewalk for approximately the length of the Rio Grande that makes you appreciate all the sacrifices that were made on your behalf so you could tramp around the city seeing famous places. You can always tell when tourists are following this trail. They are bent over, their noses to the ground, hot on that brick trail lest they lose it and end up in, say, England.
The Freedom Trail also goes over a rather long bridge (particularly when you are walking it, in which case it magically extends itself to about double its actual length) and leads to the U.S.S. Constitution. This is a very famous ship that, during the War of 1812, smuggled donuts into the city, which were prohibited by the British because they were jealous of all our Dunkin' Donuts. The Constitution has many cannons on board (which are called "guns" in military language -- our guide did not explain what actual guns are called, but I would guess "cannons"), presumably to protect and defend our right to Bavarian Creme Donuts and Jelly-Filled Munchkins.
If you take a guided tour of the ship, you will learn all sorts of fascinating information, such as that if you bring your own flag the navy people will hoist it up on their flag pulley and give you a signed document stating this fact ("Let it be herein acknowledged that Ruby Brown's 17 x 34 flag was hereby hoisted up this here starboard mainshaft at approximately 15:04 on Tuesday, the 25th of September 2007, and it did thereby cause consternation when lowered on account of it wrapped itself around two midshipmen and refused to unhand them. Signed, officially, Major Sergeant Lieutenant Corporal Cook Bottlewasher X. Confucius").
The tour guide will also tell you that "Old Ironsides," as the ship is nicknamed, is not actually made of iron. It is made of jelly donuts. No, really, its sides have three layers of extremely dense wood. You may remember this nickname from your school days, though I doubt you were told the ship wasn't really iron. I sure wasn't. This is yet another example of how troubled our school systems really are. You have to watch out for those teachers, especially when they've just had their seventh Jelly-Filled Munchkin.
Near the Constitution is a museum called, you guessed it, the U.S.S Constitution Museum. It has many thousands of little plaques and signs that you must read, if you are me, and for those spouses (like mine) who are not inclined to read every single sign there are ample hammocks provided for a little rest and relaxation. Really. On the top floor of the museum is a display showing what life was like on the ship, and there are several hammocks suspended in a row in which the sailors slept (hopefully not these actual ones). If you read the little sign that invites you to get in one of these things, you can lie down and no on will disturb you for quite some time. If you come upon a figure sleeping in one of these hammocks, it is probably my spouse. Please send him home.
Tomorrow: More exciting things to do!
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