Going buggy

WARNING: Today's topic deals with bugs. Specifically, bugs in food. If this topic makes your stomach turn, please go do something that is easier to, ahem, digest -- like read the morning paper or listen to the news.

Now, the situation I am going to describe is one that you may never encounter. But if you do, it is good to be prepared. Therefore I am going to talk about what to do when a creature lands in the casserole you are making.

Understand that this is strictly a hypothetical situation. I would never allow creatures in my house, let alone in my kitchen or my casserole. Uh uh. No way.

Now that we understand that this never really, actually happened last night, we can proceed with what to do if it were to happen. Strictly hypothetically, of course. Food-invading bugs invariably choose the moment you have finished mixing up whatever it is you are making -- in this hypothetical case, a casserole -- to land in it. They do not jump or fly in after just one or two ingredients are in the bowl, which might allow you to dump everything and start over. They're not stupid. They want all the good stuff, too!

This presents a problem. It has taken you a long time to put this dish together; you've probably been working on it since breakfast. You are minutes away from putting it into the oven. Do you really want to throw the whole thing out, although utterly disgusted by this unwanted ingredient, and risk a mutiny from your hungry husband and perhaps children and dog? If you do, what will you serve instead? Do you have a backup meal at your fingertips? If so, why did you bother making the casserole in the first place?

But back to our hypothetical dilemma. Let's imagine that in this case there is no backup plan, other than to run to KFC or serve Froot Loops. Your other choice is to -- here comes the squeamish part; it's not too late to go read that newspaper -- scoop out a section of the casserole with the bug in it and cook the rest. Fortunately the bug has not run all over your casserole, in which case it would be impossible to save, but imagine that this dish has enough mayonnaise in it to effectively render the bug unable to move. For those of you who are extra-sensitive to the well-being of bugs, we will be kind and assume that in this hypothetical case, the creature died instantly.

So you scoop out a portion of the casserole that has been invaded and dispose of it, preferably using toxic waste removal methods. To be on the safe side, you should probably remove about nine-tenths of the food, which means you might have to break out those Froot Loops after all. BUT, at least all is not lost.

The next step, as you put the much smaller casserole into the oven -- and this is very important -- is to remember which side of the dish the bug was on. This is the side you will serve to the other members of your family. You, of course, will take the unadulterated side. Hey, you've been through a lot of grief with this process; this is only fair.

It is well known that any contaminated parts that might remain before baking -- although if you have followed my directions, you shouldn't have to worry about that -- will, from the heat of the oven, be turned into cheese. Just make sure you leave the dish in long enough for this process to occur, which should be about two weeks or so.

NOW, the final step in dealing with this most unpleasant hypothetical situation is to decide whether to tell anyone else. In my opinion, this can serve no purpose whatsoever. Just tell them you put extra cheese in.

Although, on second thought, if you did tell them what happened, you would probably not have to cook anymore. Hypothetically.