I know it's 90 degrees out, but that's gonna change soon, and then it will be too late to get a good parking spot at the mall to start your Christmas shopping. So I suggest you start now. I'll send you my list.
It is also that time of year when we here at slightlyhumorous start planning for a new installment of the famous Christmas newsletter. This year, due to the fact that all of the interesting information that normally would go into the newsletter has already reached the public through this blog, we have decided to import all our news for the newsletter. This will, of course, necessitate exciting trips abroad, say to Durkee, Idaho, and a complete moratorium on any new blog items for the remainder of the year. They do this with certain comics, as I'm sure you've noticed. The comic strip artist will decide to take a sabbatical, or in cases of extreme stress will actually die, and in his or her absence the newspapers will run "old favorites." So from now until January 1, we will run "old favorites" of this blog.
Ha ha! As if our readers would let us get away with that.
But speaking of Christmas newsletters, people often have questions about them. Specifically, how to stop them from appearing in their mailbox. The Christmas newsletter is one of those time-honored traditions that, like returning unwanted ties and sweaters, has a unique ability to turn otherwise law-abiding, friendly people into maniacal monsters.
My only answer to those people who don't like getting newsletters is: You can't stop a bird from flying over your head, but you can stop it from making a nest in your hair. If the application to unwanted newsletters is not obvious, don't ask me what it is.
Here are some other questions commonly asked about Christmas newsletters:
Q: I don't want to use up all my printer ink and stamps to send a bunch of newsletters that no one's going to read anyway. Can't I just send people a Christmas e-mail?
A: Yes, if your name is Scrooge, you are lazy, and you do not care a whit about leaving out Aunt Tillie and Grandma Marian, who do not have a computer. You might just find them returning the favor by leaving you out -- of their will.
Q: What should I write in my newsletter?
A: Exciting things you did this year, like take a romantic cruise on the Mediterranean, or replace all your windows with energy-efficient ones, or physically remove, by yourself, mashed zucchini and carrots from your toddler's nose.
Q: What if I didn't do any of those things this year?
A: You are a pathetic loser. Get out there and do something exciting! If that doesn't work, copy interesting items from someone else's newsletter, being sure to change all the names and places. For instance, "Maggie starred in her school play this year" could become "Dad starred in a restaurant brawl this year." If that still doesn't work, make something up.
Q: Do you make things up?
A: Never.
Q: Why do people hate getting Christmas newsletters?
A: They don't fit on their refrigerator.
Q: Why do people insist on writing them, then?
A: Please see previous question.
Q: You mean they do it to deliberately bug people?
A: Isn't it obvious?
Q: I asked the question.
A: Go do your Christmas shopping. And while you're at it, please pick me up some ink and stamps.
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