And God bless you

According to sneeze researchers -- why didn't my guidance counselors ever tell me I could be a sneeze researcher? -- there are several different types of sneezes. There is the loud sneeze; the subdued sneeze; the smothered sneeze; and the no-nonsense sneeze, which is gotten out of the way quickly so the individual can get on to more important things, although sneeze researchers do not suggest what these important things may be.

To these venerable findings I would like to add my own observations of sneezes, based on the small sample of sneezes with which I am most familiar:

1. The Chihuahua Sneeze. The Chihuahua Sneeze is a dainty little exhalation, pitched several times higher than the individual's normal speaking voice. It is short and quick, as if there is not enough air capacity to emit a full-size sneeze. Those who exhibit the Chihuahua Sneeze are satisfied with no fewer than 18 sneezes in a row, although some have been observed to sneeze up to 56 times at once, after which the exhausted individual keels over with all four limbs in the air. Most likely to be exhibited by girls under 7, ladies over 79, and my sister.

2. The Cheer Sneeze. Although most sneezes include some variation of the word "achoo" (which means "incoming germs!"), the Cheer Sneeze is notably different. The word used in a Cheer Sneeze more closely resembles the word "Hurrah," with the emphasis on the last syllable: "Hur-RAH!" Most likely to be exhibited by my mother, although she vehemently denies that she says anything like "Hur-RAH!" when she sneezes.

3. The Noah Sneeze. In contrast to the Chihuahua Sneeze, which is actually 18-56 sneezes at once, we have the Noah Sneeze. The Noah Sneeze may be emitted at any volume, but the defining feature is that they invariably come in twos. No more, no less. If you are familiar with the Noah Sneeze you know that there is no point in blessing the individual after the first sneeze, because inevitably it will be followed by a second, and you will have to repeat your blessing, which cancels out the first one. The Gallant Hero is a Noah Sneezer.

4. The Big Bang Sneeze. The Big Bang Sneeze is the most dramatic sneeze. This sneeze is emitted in one violent breath, with such force as to take all the individual's cranial particles with it. The sound of this sneeze is frequently elongated: "Ah-CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" A variant of the Big Bang Sneeze is the Prolonged Big Bang Sneeze, in which the sneeze is preceded by an extensive wind-up phase, during which there is some doubt that the individual will ever get to the actual sneeze: "Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" The Big Bang Sneeze carries such force that some scientists, not entirely satisfied with the Big Bang theory of the world's creation but also unwilling to believe that God spoke the world into being, have hit upon the Big Bang Sneeze as a compromise: God sneezed, and there we were. A little wet, perhaps, but there we were. Although I myself adhere to the speaking explanation of creation, I do exhibit a Big Bang Sneeze.

There are fascinating suggestions as to what a sneeze says about the individual exhibiting it. In the next blog post we will explore this subject more closely, not so much because we think we can learn anything from it, but mostly so we can make fun of people we know.