Stinkbugging while driving

Here in Maryland it is now against the law to text while driving. While I applaud our legislators for taking this important step toward our communal safety, I would like to point out that texting is not nearly as dangerous as another activity that I personally, though unwillingly, have been engaging in while driving lately: stinkbugging, or chasing bugs around one's car.

My car has somehow become a gathering place, an insect taxi, for indigent bugs. These include stinkbugs, which are large beetle-type bugs clad in bullet-proof armor. Although they look lumberous, they can move surprisingly fast, especially when you are trying to get them to go one way, such as out the window of the car, and they are determined to go another way, such as under your seat.

I never discover these bugs when I am on a quiet, two-lane road, where I could safely pull over and use my female skills of persuasion -- which consist chiefly of a considerable amount of screaming -- to get them to leave my car. No, it is not until I am on the highway, in the middle lane of 18 lanes of traffic zooming along at speeds dangerously close to the speed of the earth's rotation, that a bug suddenly appears.

I fully expect to be on the radio traffic report some night, as the news chopper spots my CRV driving in a haphazard manner on the highway: "Dan, we're not sure what the problem is with this car, but maybe we can zoom in a bit...yes, Dan, we can see the problem now -- there's a large stinkbug on the SEEK button of the dashboard, and the driver appears to be trying to convince it to leave through the nearest window. The stinkbug is now sticking its tongue out at the driver. Whoops, the car just veered off into a ditch...now the driver is out of the car, running around and screaming, but from what we can tell the bug is still inside, trying to figure out how to turn the radio to FM."

My latest encounter involved several miles of alternately paying attention to the road and tracking a stinkbug, which was curiously exploring the interior of the car, including the back seat, where I lost it. I convinced myself that it was reading a map in the pocket of the passenger seat, far from my own seat. When I finally stopped at the drug store I conducted a thorough search for it, much to the interest of the owner of the car parked next to me, who was prevented from getting into his car by the fact that all four of my doors were open. I finally discovered the stinkbug on the window, but had a difficult time convincing him to take the chance at freedom I was offering. Eventually he was persuaded to leave quietly, and I promised I would not press charges.

I went into the drug store and was looking at the shampoo when out of the corner of my eye I saw the stinkbug crawl over my shoulder. Although no one would describe me as a great dancer, I invented some very unique moves right there in Rite Aid. At some point the stinkbug was ejected onto the floor. I left him there in Aisle 7, looking from the detangler to the volumizer, trying to decide which would make him more attractive to the ladies.

So I agree with our lawmakers that driving has become more dangerous with all the distractions out there. I would appreciate, therefore, if they could maybe pass a law outlawing bugs from commuting. At least during rush hour.