What your sneeze says about you

In the last blog post we looked at the fascinating subject of sneezes, learning that sneezes can be classified into a few easily recognizable categories, except my mother's, which as far as I know is entirely unique ("Hur-RAH!").

Sneezes have been studied quite extensively, mainly because the allergy medication manufacturers have a whole bunch of money they don't know what to do with. This is because those of us with allergies, in order to stay well-drugged with their products, give them a significant portion of our income.

Thanks to all these studies, and the sneeze experts who conduct them, we know a lot about sneezes, such as that the word sneeze is a cool word. So today, using wholly scientific, analytic methods, we will attempt to explain different personalities based on the classification of sneezes we learned about last time.

First, the Chihuahua Sneeze. This is a short, dainty, rapid sneeze that is followed by at least 17 others exactly the same. Chihuahua Sneezers, though generally considered polite and apologetic, may actually exhibit passive-aggressive tendencies. They want attention, and if they don't get it by sneezing daintily several times in a row, they may be forced to take more drastic measures, such as nipping at other people's heels.

The Cheer Sneezer is more difficult to analyze, mainly because my mother is the only known Cheer Sneezer. I suspect that the uniqueness of her sneeze has something to do with having five children spread out over 20 years, and it is a wonder she does not exhibit other, even more unique personality characteristics.

Noah Sneezers exhibit great empathy for others. This can be seen in the fact that their sneezes always come in twos, as if the Noah Sneezers are anxious that a sneeze not be alone, and that it has someone to keep it company. Noah Sneezers are also known for great physical feats and for perseverance in the face of great odds, although they do tend to get a little apprehensive when they hear thunder.

And finally, we have the Big Bang Sneezers, who get their sneezes over with in one violent, dramatic explosion. These action-driven individuals simply do not have the time for multiple little Chihuahua Sneezes, or even for two Noah Sneezes. They are too busy trying to solve the world's puzzles and mysteries, such as why anyone would want to study sneezing in the first place.

And thus ends our brief but wholly scientific analysis of sneezing. If any of you disagrees with our analysis of your particular personality, and you think another personality more accurately describes you, well, you might think about changing the way you sneeze.

Hur-RAH!

This wholly scientific analysis has been supported by the makers of Sleepadryl, Allegro, Clarifin, and Zzzzrtec, none of which, unfortunately, has paid us any actual money.