Further rules for using kitchen towels

In the interest of public service, Joe would like to add a few more pieces of advice to the previous post regarding his "Guide to Rules for Using Kitchen Towels." His helpful advice is aimed particularly at men who, erroneously believing that all kitchen towels are to be considered serviceable for all tasks, require some assistance in understanding what is and is not permitted in the usage of kitchen towels.

1. Under special circumstances you may be permitted to keep your own stash of washcloths for wiping extremely messy things up, such as a gathering of more than one coffee ground on the counter. These washcloths may be exempt from the usual rules of daily washing, but be advised that these washcloths and your wife will perpetually scowl at each other, and they will become a thorn in your wife's side, and someday the washcloths will disappear altogether, your wife not being able to stand their filthiness any longer. (Note: Be advised that, unless you take drastic precautionary measures, this same fate may also befall your favorite pair of shorts.)

2. Do not under any circumstances go into the drawer where the kitchen towels are kept and attempt to remove one without your wife's permission. These towels are, in fact, artifacts on loan from the Museum of Rare, Extremely Clean Items, and can only be removed by persons who have submitted proper identification, have proven that they thoroughly understand and adhere to the Terms of Usage, and have demonstrated compliance with the Kitchen Towel Usage Act of 1921 B.C.

3. We have already indicated that if you must wipe up a spill on the kitchen floor, you must use a towel from the "yucky" towel bin that your wife maintains for such purposes. ("Yucky" towels are towels that used to be "good" towels, but that for some reason -- your wife grew tired of the color, perhaps, or they once were used to wipe up a single bread crumb from the counter -- have been relegated to yucky status, to be used only for yucky chores.) If, when you are wiping up such a spill from the floor with an approved "yucky" towel, you happen upon the dead stinkbug you killed two months ago but were subsequently unable to locate, do not audibly express this discovery by using some expression such as "Ewwww!" This will alert your wife that you have found something disgusting, and when she sees the stinkbug in the "yucky" towel, she will declare the yucky towel unfit for even yucky chores, and will order you to burn it in the backyard. You yourself may be quarantined for several days.

We hope that these guidelines have been of some help to those of you navigating the tricky waters of kitchen towel usage. And remember: Do keep an eye on that favorite pair of shorts.