One person, many towels

Today we ponder the important question of "How many towels does each person in your house have?" And the second, though not necessarily related, question of "How many towels does each person NEED?" The answer to the first question -- supported by rigorous scientific towel research -- is: As many as possible. The answer to the second question is still being determined, and is vigorously debated in such diverse arenas as Internet chat boards, waiting rooms, cocktail parties, prison wards, etc.

Even third graders are being introduced to the issue, as can be seen in this word problem from a math book I am currently editing:

"The Smith family has 5 members. Each member has a hand towel and a bath towel hanging in the bathroom. How many towels are hanging in the bathroom?"

Personally, MY question about the Smiths would be, "Why do they only have one bathroom for 5 people?" But that is beside the point. The real point, I think, is that the Smith family, in addition to lacking in bathrooms, is woefully lacking in towel provisions. If this question were asked about OUR household, for instance, it would read:

"The Bohart family has 2 members. How many towels do THEY have?" (Answer: Enough to cover the entire human species, as well as countless members of various other species, phyla, etc., in thick jacquard velour happiness.)

Support for our large cache of towels comes from esteemed research on towel usage. People in households with a high per-capita count of towels have been found to not only be more healthy in general but are also happier, earn higher salaries, express greater satisfaction in relationships, have less chance of needing a hair transplant, are more likely to understand their Explanation of Benefits insurance forms, and tend to break spontaneously into song more often, although this last attribute is not always seen as positive by those around the individual.

Some hospitals, in an attempt to reduce the risk of patients reinfecting themselves, have instituted a "one person, many towel" policy. Patients are given strict instructions to use a fresh washcloth or towel every time they use one. Fortunately for my mother -- who is extremely frugal and would think the Smith family scandalously rich to have a towel AND a washcloth per person -- her local hospital is not up on the latest towel procedures. If the nurses tried to make her use a new towel all the time during her stays there, she would start hoarding her used towels and try to reuse them when no one was looking. But the nurses would soon catch on.

"Give 'em up, Mrs. B," they would say sternly, holding out their hands for the missing towels. "We know you've been hoarding the towels."

"But I'll wash them myself," she would plead. "Just please don't make me use a fresh one every day."

Researchers are currently looking into the curious phenomenon that, although my mother does not subscribe to the "one person, many towels" philosophy, she does have a tendency to break into song unexpectedly...